Spoiler Alert ! ! ! Kind of.

I guess you could consider this spoilers, but I don't exactly give much away.

Headline: DRUNK BILLIONAIRE MURNS DOWN BANSION. DRUNK.

1. "Batman Begins":

Kill Bill franchise + Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation, if Ninjas were involved + "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" + "Speed" + "Spiderman" + Liam Neeson (who I think I last saw in "Love, Actually" so I was all: why are you not being more tender, Liam Neeson?)= "Batman Begins."

Also, the last time I saw Cillian Murphy he was being chased by zombies, so this movie could have used a few real zombies instead of people faking like they were zombies. You'll see, it's the scene in the Narrows.

Also, we briefly thought we saw Biz Markie walk in and leave his camera phone at the door.

2. Seriously, if you have a camera phones, and you think you are going into a Wanrer Bros. production, you are dead wrong and subject to being drawn and quartered in the coat check room. You best leave that shit in your cars, homies, or check it with security. Anyways, the parts of the night that were laughter inducing: pre-movie spotting of Paul Wolfowitz shaking hands with a big-headed dude at the Willard, whispered Janet Jackson jokes, someone giggling like a totes nerd at the "Jungian" mini-speech, Katie Holmes in general, the Nabob getting pissed that he had to see this movie with a passel of chicks who don't pay attention to movie details. "Seriously, were you even THERE?"

He'd lost a lot of weight, so I wouldn't have recognized him except for DEAR GOD THAT HEAD.

3. Karl Rove's big, bald, baby-like head distracted some of our accquaintances so much, they couldn't follow the plot. That's right, the plot of Batman.

He really is that short in person. I could put him in my pocket, and feed him crumbs from my Balducci's roast beef sandwich.

Excuse me, Fatty

4. Free sammiches. and candy! and booze!

In conclusion, more zombies.

Basically, "Batman Begins" presents the theory that there is no new territory for action movies. We've officially covered it all, folks. Don't get me wrong, it was entertaining - I enjoyed several scenes, especially the ones where Katie Holmes wasn't involved. Christian Bales was pretty good, and I love Michael Caine. Even though lots of people find CB sexy, I find him blank - kind of like a Sears model. He has weird teeth.