Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Not with a bang but an oink

Here we go.

It was pretty fancy too. With embroidery and shit.

Friday, April 24, 2009

what to buy for the woman you hate

Holy wows. Did you know that Jane Seymour was designing t-and-a jewelry for Kay? Yikes. "If your heart is open, love will always find it's way in."

Apparently the way in is through your diamond butt.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Vegas Roundup #2456

i think last week was my 17th or 20th time in Las Vegas, I've lost count. It will serve you well to know that the most interesting thing that happened there was an IM I had with the DCeiver about "bloggers lounges", my ideas for JMU/LARPing-themed fantasy novels, and the price of Lauren Conrad jersey dresses.

At least my flights were on time and I didn't get stuck in Memphis with a bunch of cowboy-hat wearing Frenchmen this year!

I'm home now. We'll never speak of this again.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

terms I am sick of: somali pirates, hipster grifters, teabagginses

Something I just told Amanda: too bad this didn't happen in the autumn, right? Because Halloween in Brooklyn, oh holy god, can you imagine? It would be like Thomas Crowne Affair on the streets, except with bad sharpie tattoos and black pixie wigs.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm more of a Scrabble guy, anyways.

A good thing and bad thing happened on the Metro today. The bad happened when I lost my umbrella and got drenched. The good happened when I saw a man in a tri-cornered cap, also drenched, on his way to protest the underhanded way in which the British East India Company attempted to circumvent the importation of black market Dutch tea and the tax that resulted from the trade. Or so I gathered from his incoherent rambling.

Best of all, though, was the realization that as I hustled through Union Station to catch the Metro was that I had magically stumbled into the US Monopoly Championship!

Behold! Weirdos!

I paused for a few seconds to take a picture or two before I realized that watching other people playing Monopoly is as boring as you’d imagine. But it did settle an important argument.

There are three incredible things in the above picture. First, EEEEEP! It’s the real life Monopoly Man with mustache and monocle! Monocle! Second, on the right, is the 2009 Championship trophy featuring. It’s pretty boring, you ask me. Real Baltic Avenue. But on the right is the original trophy for the first Monopoly Championship. It’s got heft. It’s got the Monopoly board etched into it. And most importantly, it’s got the race car on top.

And we all know race car = bad ass.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sounds like Eureka? Come on.

Things that make me a good American.

1. I’m lazy
2. I’m fat
3. I don’t know dick about our local elections.

This wouldn’t be a bid deal except we live in Alexandria and our fine city holds a local election about twice a month. I’m not sure if they are special elections or primary elections or city council elections or what. I just know they happen all the time and you never hear about them until the weekend before because about 1000 placards appear in the medians of King Street and the roads leading to the polling place.

Like this weekend. I assume there’s an election tomorrow since these things are everyplace. Or maybe next month. Who knows? There are at least 25 people running for some sort of office in Alexandria but it’s not the first Tuesday in November so who cares? And there are so many of these placards with so many names they become irrelevant because you can’t remember any of them. With two exceptions…

1. Del Pepper – Based on the name, I’m assuming Del is a Southern, overweight Sheriff constantly whipping his bald head with a red handkerchief. In reality, she’s a lady. A fancy lady. She also, as far as I can tell, runs in every election Alexandria holds.

2. This guy.

This is Rich and he’s and independent candidate. As an independent candidate he has no party backing and a limited budget. So limited, in fact, that he can’t afford signs with printing on both sides. That means you have to drive all the way down the street and make a u-turn when you can’t believe you saw a sign with just a picture of some dude’s face and his first name. Or maybe it's his economic status.

Obviously, the point of these sign is to draw attention to the candidate via a 6 second drive-by so that the motorist can make an informed decision when they get to the voting booth. That is why this display, although clearly light-hearted, is incredibly effective. A guy named Rich is running for City Council and the election is May 5. Done. Like I said, I have no clue who else is running because all the other sign blockin' out the scenery and breakin' my mind. It’s wallpaper.

So if I were going to vote next month (which I won’t because voting is for suckers) I’d vote for whats-his-name. The guy on the signs with the face. Looks like Jared from Subway and wants to sync all the city’s red lights. God. What’s his name again? Del Peppers, maybe?

Monday, April 13, 2009


Mattos sent me a link to Dirty Projectors "Stillness is the Move," and it's great for real. For some reason it reminds me of what the Jets could be like today, if Elizabeth got real into funky stuff and helium.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

God updates in gmail status for Easter

He also thinks Twitter is a sin.

Which it is.

Friday, April 10, 2009


if you aren't reading my pal mike's listening & talking blog you are missing out on some solid musical musings.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Spoiler Alert: When Ross was in China he started dating some chick

SPOILER ALERT: I’m going to tell someone they can go fuck themselves at the end of this post.

It usually takes me days to write on this stupid blog. For instance, I started the Frank Herzog/State of Play post a month ago. I usually get distracted by old Law and Order re-runs like the one that’s on now about Ice-T busting up a meth lab in a day care center. But right now I’m responding to something I just heard on NPR 2 minutes ago.

They got dozens of complaints yesterday after they reported that Kal Penn is leaving House to work for the Admin now that his character had committed suicide. Folks were upset since they had Tivoed the show and the Penn offing had been ruined before they had a chance to watch. They complained that NPR (see comments)should have prefaced the report with a ******SPOILER ALERT****8***.

That’s wrong. Spoiler alerts expire the moment the television show ends. They are extended as a courtesy by those who have special access to a scripted show’s outcome and could subsequently ruin that for other people. If you choose to record the show to watch later you cannot expect all discussion of that show to be put on hold at your convenience. The only exception is for sporting events or other shows which air live.

Those who still tape shows with analogue recording devices came to this realization about 20 years ago. Currently, DVR saturation is only at 27% in the United States. I would need it to cross into the 60%-70% area before I could accept the type of spoiler alert demands that are currently being requested. If Entertainment Weekly or TV Guide or another one of our television ethics gatekeepers wants to establish a statute of limitations of, say, 3 days before we are allowed to talk about things that have already happened, then I will live with it. Until then, however, I maintain the embargo ends when the credits roll.

In addition, NPR is primarily a news outfit. They report the news. And even though it’s fluffy as shit, Kal Penn moving in to the Old Executive Office Building qualifies as news. Who cares if we have to find out that his character had to kill himself to make that happen. It’s a goddamned TV show.

Bottom line, I have no sympathy for those who get upset when their shows are ruined by public discussion after the show is over.

In fact, those people can go fuck themselves.

(EDIT FROM THE G: WAIT KAL PENN OFFS HIMSELF?????!?!???!?!??!! I hate you so hard.)

bob dylan didn't have this to sing about

next on my reading list. excerpts on Jane dark's sugar high

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

great things, not-so great-things

- art

- dinosaurs

- i am so sick, seriously. my head is close to quitting and just rolling off my shoulders and finding some other body that will treat it nicely.

Friday, April 03, 2009

The Exorcist Stairs ruined it for everyone

If you’re a movie maker filming in DC and want a seedy looking backdrop but don’t want to make you studio-insured actors travel to a part of the city with a NE, SW or SE in its address, you could do worse than sending them to where K Street dead ends under the Whitehurst freeway. It’s dingy, there’s graffiti about and the road kind of peters out under Key Bridge and turns into the Capital Crescent Trail. If you throw some crate palates around and maybe a shopping cart or two you’ve got yourself a hobo’s paradise right there in lowest Georgetown.

I know that No Way Out was filmed there. As was an episode of Scarecrow and Mrs King, for all you old-timers. Several others, too, which I’ll have to look up. True Lies, maybe? The filming equipment for the stupid boat explosion was staged there since it’s also the parking lot for the Potomac Boat Club. It’s practically the Vasquez Rock formation of the East Coast.

And then there’s the trailer for State of Play. It looks like the whole movie was shot there.

Murder! Intrigue! Parking Garage! Looks like that poor girl got killed in a pretty scary part of DC. Except it’s ten feet from a rowing club that has a 3 year waiting list and requires a $50 deposit to apply. Also, you’re in Georgetown, during the day and Booeymongers is catering. (To save money, the movie makers even flipped the shot for the night scenes so you can’t tell there are million dollar townhouses just off frame.)

Clearly the message to visitors is don’t come to Washington unless you want to get executed is some alley-looking place. You know, we were once the murder capital of the world until we outsourced our killings to Baltimore and Richmond. All we need to reclaim the top spot is more dead tourists. Like you.

But this post isn’t about DC movie set locations.

The post is about this.

That’s obviously Reindeer Games on the right. But th eguy on the left is none other than the former voice of the Washington Redskins Frank Herzog. IMDB says he played a judge in one of those teen dancing movies and “Frank” in National Treasure 2: Watch Us Ruin Dan Brown’s Newest Book. It looks like he’s developing a nice little film career in the days since he was unjustly kicked out of the radio booth. For all those casting directors out there, Frank is especially effective as “generic person of authority.” Or in this case, “Larry Craig.”

Just saying. Dude looks like Larry Craig.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


I looked into fitness/nutrition plans online. (I refuse to say "diet" because even if that's what I need probably, dieting is stupid and i hate math and all diets seem to revolve around "numbers" and "counting" and beauty ideals and fuck that. All I really want is some sort of robot to email me a daily reminder that I reconsider mindlessly eating an entire bag of M&Ms for lunch, and continuing to act like I have been lately may result in a one-way ticket to Scurvyville.)

Anyhoodles, fitness plans and crap out there on the www? They all want you to have goals. My goal isn't to lose 10 pounds or gain muscle tone, it's to not get diabetes. Goal: I'd like to keep both my feet.

Related: does anyone have a good workout DVD they can recommend? I do actually own 2 workout tapes (yes, tapes. Eric Nies the Grind Workout and Fabio's Workout) so I am obviously very serious about this sort of thing.

I want something that isn't too long (can be done in the evening in 30 minutes or less) and doesn't involved jumping (this is more practical than me just being lazy and white and earth bound - TV is in a basement with relatively low ceilings) and isn't some of my husbands more questionable Billy Banks taibo army bootcamp boxing whatevers. Additionally I have a bum neck, so if I can avoid becoming paralyzed I'd appreciate it. Also, no techno. And if CatAn tries to tell me lies about how in two weeks I can be doing headstands through the magic of yoga, well.... I don't even know. She obviously has never seen me attempt to be coordinated.