Monday, June 30, 2008


Probably because I heard about this on the radio right after I read about this in the paper, I imagined that the same defense mechanism was used by both.

A punch from the former seems like it would inflict an injury on par with getting hit in the chest with a Nerf dart. But I can easily picture her bones coming out of her hands and delivering at least the same number of hit points as any other animated skeleton. I’m thinking a Jason and the Argonauts level here.

Friday, June 27, 2008

I learned two things yesterday at my government-mandated 2 hour lunch.

Both involved a time wasting trip to the Natural History Museum.

1. A chop block is
“a high-low, low-high or low-low combination block by any two offensive players with or without a delay between contacts when the initial contact clearly occurs beyond the neutral zone.”
It became illegal in the NFL and NCAA after a dramatic increase in the number ankle and knee injuries sustained by defensive lineman since the second block is often engaged outside the player’s field of vision.

The sports-loving taxidermists at the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum have included an example of the chop block in their newest exhibit Mammals! (We’re just like the stuffed dinosaurs you came to see but we have fur. And milk!) Their re-enactment of last year’s Lions-Bills preseason classic features not only the Detroit player attacking the knees of a previously engaged Buffalo player but the first Lion is also employing an equally illegal crackback block.

This play would result in a 15 yard penalty.

2. This can’t be right.

Also at the Mammals! (Did we mention the milk bit?) exhibit, I saw two kids run up screaming “Bambi!” and then slowly back away after the deer-with-fangs thing registered.

If this was a skeleton and not a stuffed animal, I would have assumed that some tired paleobiologist stuck the horns in the mouth and called it a day. Like the guy who invented the triceratops, but in reverse.

Vampire deer are the new vampire vikings.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

this is what happens when you google "souvenir" because you can't remember how to spell it correctly.

I was unaware that to be a true OMD fan, it is required that you had some sort of sexy teenage death drama in the late 80's. Thanks, youtube!

okay, wait, I just lied. I might have been aware.

For good measure, mix in some of the anti-Turkish/immigrant sentiment in Germany right now

Imagine if the NFC championship game was between the Giants and the Bears. Now pretend that Chicago, down by seven, score a touchdown with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. But then miraculously, New York airs one out and connects on the very last play as time expires.

Now picture the chaos that would ensue if the national television feed for the game went down and no one in New York or Chicago or anywhere saw the results.

That’s basically what just happened in the Turkey-Germany Euro Cup game. There were 2 goals in the 86th and 89th minutes and no one saw them because the international signal went dead. ESPN was guessing the outcome the game based on the team’s fans reactions outside the stadium.

it's a big store that sells things to store other things in! also, closet systems!

until last night, the N and I had forgotten what else we tried to explain to British people (see "Three Stooges" post below) and failed at. It was the Container Store.

Totally flummoxed.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Right. Sorry for the strobiness. That's our toaster.

The G doesn’t believe in natural lighting and insists on turning on every bulb in every room and then not turning them off ever. I prefer using whatever light the sun is providing. In the winter, I’ll operate in complete darkness.

So I’m not sure how I’ve managed to miss that our toaster looks like, well, a Toaster.

Say hello to your frakking Cylon master. It never made sense to me that the skin jobs were the first to infiltrate our society.

Friday, June 20, 2008

I wish he had far less didactic lecturing and far more armored bears, which are exceptionally cool.

While psychologists may argue the opposite, I’ve taken to seeing movies by myself on days when I’m sick/fake sick in the name of mental health. Usually, they’re matinees of the type of films that the G would normally avoid like Frankenstein avoiding Dracula because the vampire intends to use the monster’s re-animated body to give enliven his poorly CGI-ed horde of demonic progeny. She has notoriously poor taste.

My latest solo adventure was Prince Caspian. And because she said was unaware it was even out in theatres, I didn’t feel too bad about leaving her out.

The film’s about what you’d expect if from a book you last read 20 years ago. A bunch of bearded yet unspecific Mediterranean-types invade a magical realm and it’s up to the beardless yet handsome Prince Caspian to take it back. He’s aided by various pagan creatures, a rat that they try to pass off as big mouse, and the gaggle of gap toothed British kids from the first one. Also, the lion is Jesus.

My recollection of all the books is pretty spotty with all seven running together in my memory. I was pretty sure this wasn’t the one where they go on a boat but it may be the one where a lady turns into a green snake. But what I did know was that this wasn’t the last book where almost everyone gets goes to heaven. And that’s what made viewing this one interesting.

You see, as the books progress, the older characters from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe get written out. While the second one features all four of the British children, the third one only has the two youngest. The fourth one doesn’t have any of them. I’m not sure how they plan to address this as the movies progress – especially the sixth one which is actually a prequel to the first movie – but I’m guessing by the time they get around to making them they’ll be straight-to-video anyways. Or the Disney Channel will just air them directly after High School Musical 10: Reunion! (It’s the one where a faded Zach Efron hooks up with one of the unpopular girls after she drunkenly admits she always had a crush on him. She gives him the clap.)

What I found interesting was the way they handled the maturity of the oldest girl, Susan. It’s obvious that the actress playing Susan has developed into adolescence since the first film and they treat her budding womanhood accordingly. She preserves some of the innocence that allows her sister to maintain her belief in talking lions but still makes googly-eyes at the devilishly handsome/Eurotrash Prince Caspian. They even share a kiss at the end.

In the context of the film, this doesn’t seem that notable. But it is interesting in the context of the whole series. In the final book, all the characters that have visited Narnia from Earth are led into Heaven by the Jesus-lion Aslan. All the characters except Susan. The reason given:

“She's interested in nothing nowadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up.”

In a book filled with allegory and symbolism, it’s hard not to criticize Lewis for this passage. Many a reader has inferred that Susan doesn’t get the elevator pass to the afterlife for having become a sexualized woman. Defenders of Lewis claim that this passage, taken in context with the rest of the book, merely shows that she has actively purged the childhood memory of Narnia from life and therefore has squandered her shot at the ever-after. I lean toward the former. So do many others. And some folks will even write a whole new series of books about it.

This familiarity is what makes watching Narnia more curious. Susan’s reaction to the boys in her life, either Caspian or another one she meets in a tube station early in the film*, was either a conscious effort at foreshadowing or a short-sighted bit of story advancement. Movie Seven won’t be out for at least another decade (if ever) but its going to be intriguing to see how they deal with Susan’s unholy interest in pantyhose.

PS – This entry’s title is a quote from an fabulous book-on-tape called Rings, Swords, and Monsters: Exploring Fantasy Literature. Its author, Michael Drout, has an equally awesome blog. At least for those who like their LOL mixed with Beowulf.

*This setting is noteworthy too since the reason everyone’s going to heaven is they’ve all died in a train accident.

"Song that comes out on the dances?"

So school's out, I guess. I know this only because my inlaw's (we're squatting for the week) neighbors had a most kickass graduation party for their... middle schooler... in their backyard. Which included a wacky DJ/emcee. Who played the world's worst music over loudspeakers for three straight hours and kept demanding LADIES it's LADIES CHOICE PICK A PARTNER. Who sways with a partner to DJ Casper? I tried to peer over the fence once or twice to see what I assumed would be typical gender-segregated awkwardness (boys punching each other in the crotch by the soda table, girls huddled in giggling/whispering/crying small groups) but I couldn't tell. Besides, kids these days. Maybe they were all getting busy in the potting shed by 9:15 and I am just old and lame.

Also, oh jesus god.

Oh! Also also! We were recently in a room with Brit friends trying to explain "The Three Stooges". Harder than you'd think?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Who blogs about wedding’s anymore? Actually, we don't blog about anything anymore.

We used to average 9 a year. This year, I think, will be three. Saturday, it was a Greek Orthodox ceremony and I swear to your shiny Cylon God that I have no idea what happened.

They wore crowns. They did everything in triplicate. And the couple had to hold candles for the whole hour and half. Big candles. It was very long and it was in a language I didn’t speak.

Or it was. Knowing that this wedding was going to be Extra Long Play, I checked out as I soon as we sat down. I memorized the names in the wedding party. I went through all the pamphlets in the pew backs. I taught myself the straight forward yet intricate ways to fall out of good standing in the Greek Orthodox Church. (Hint #1 - don’t marry your grandmother. Hint #2 - don’t be not Greek.) And then I clapped when someone said “I know pronounce you husband and wife.”

When the groom asked me about the ceremony afterwards I told it was nice and ornate but I couldn’t really follow what was going. He thought this odd since the whole was in English. I’d somehow convinced myself that the service was going to be in Greek and even though it wasn’t. That was a good 2 hours well spent.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Virginia is doing what now?

I almost don’t want to do this. But we’re so bewildered by this flier we got in the mail yesterday that we felt the discussion need to expand beyond of our living room.

I think there’s a double negative in there if you count the red cross. There’s a tacked on adverb of approximation. And I’m not sure what the heart is actually “hearting.”

The rest of the flier shows that its senders are attempting to have a certain insensitive word removed from Virginia’s State Code. Unfortunately, the outward design does not convey that message and the inside is equally hard to interpret.

There’s a word that describes how confusing it is. Ironically, though, I can’t think of it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

If you can't stand the heat then screw you

A previously unconsidered drawback to the design of the Nat’s new home is the complete lack of circulating air on the field or seating on the first level. My advice is if you walk from the metro into the stadium, don’t go to your seats. Just enjoy the game by circling around the main level because as soon you stop you will be murdered by hot. It’s too hot to enjoy baseball so you develop an absurd sense of ill-will toward the people sitting near you. You’re not sure how but the must be somehow stealing absorbing the cool air or breezes.

The Nats lost the game. I lost about5 liters of fluids. But there was one winner.

This is irrefutable proof that Teddy Roosevelt won the President’s Race. Look, there’s the ribbon around his curiously pregnant-looking waste. Unfortunately, that bastard Screech disqualified him for using motorbike. But I don’t see any bike in that photo.

If it’s in the rule book that a contestant can’t use any sort of mechanized device during the race, then have Teddy wipeout spectacularly like Puff Daddy did in that one video with Sting. Don’t disqualify him for being an opportunist. Teddy almost won at the last game we were at but was tackled by a a panther near the finish line, for some reason*. How is this allowed while mopeds are banned?

And I’ve grown to dislike Screech. It was nothing to do with his antics or suggestive dancing. I don’t like that he doesn’t take care of himself. I understand that little, sticky kids and drunk, sweaty adults are always hugging on him but the back of his head is filthy. A bald eagle’s head should be majestic and white, not mangy and grey. Also, I don’t like his antics or suggestive dancing.

*quality of video leads me to believe there was a second panther operating off screen. Notice how Teddy's head falls back and to the right.

"His death occurred moments after he had invited a friend to his home to play cards."

I just discovered this morning that JR Simplot died recently? Man.

In kind-of related news, I also discovered there was a giant penis on the lawn of the old Simplot place/governor's house last summer.

Friday, June 06, 2008

fake pretend.

So, as everyone on my twitter already knows (MGOD, DOUCHIEST INTERNET STATEMENT OF THE YEAR?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?! yes.) I somehow forgot my car in DC last night and then left my house all ready for work this morning and like, fake-pretended to open a fake-pretend car door in the air. This entire thing would be a lot funnier if I weren't sober. So I took public transportation into the city this morning. It took a long time, and made me really really cranky. Public transportation < magic of automobiles. It's the American way, Avent.

In other news:

- you can find me @ Iota tonight. That's in Virginia. Try driving your car there.

- how bout them Nats eh. Elijah Dukes can hit at least two baseballs, judging from last night. Things are looking up!

- on every music blog I read today: Adam Franklin (Swervedriver!) covers "Shine a Light" (Wolf Parade!) and it ends up sounding a lot like.... Bright Eyes. Or something. So..... there's that. Joseph Arthur's "Second Sight" is pretty good though, besides the weird (is that rap???) background noise. (I think it's on stereogum.)

- If you haven't seen me recently, my hair? Now you know.

- my brother is moving to chicago soonish. If you have good volunteer opportunities for Karma's Biggest Ass Kisser, send it my way. His VA Big Brothers/Big Sisters-Little League Coach of the Year-shelterer of homeless hippies-etc. card probably doesn't transfer to Illinois.

off to fake-pretend work the rest of my friday afternoon. enjoy the killer heat wave tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

It's like God waited until we got our free government stimulus money before delivering the rapture. On our heads.

Hi. Did we mention that our lives are a complete disaster?

There’s a good chance our house will have

A) blown away
B) a tree through the roof
C) mold growing on every surface
D) had the back half fallen into a sinkhole

when we get home tonight. If we get home.

The mold thing probably hasn’t happened yet. But since we found a large, wet crack in the wall this morning and water in the basement, two of the others are distinct possibilities.

Also, the tree in our front yard is bigger than this one I saw in Falls Church today and that place got seriously hammered. The dog probably got spooked by the thunder and ran away through the hole. But he won’t get far since he’s developed a limp for some reason.

The only positive thing about this whole day is that I don’t take the Orange Line anymore. When will people learn that public transportation does not work?

girlsrockdc dot org

If you are looking for a really awesome volunteer opportunity, may i suggest. If not for a potential serious calendar conflict, I'd volunteer myself (not to teach, because I have no musical skill, but to like: handle the registration desk or make snacks one day or something.) I may contact about the street team/PR. Anyhoodles, this PIAB fully approves.

Another serious question: does Metro-are LARPING allow people to simply attend and watch? I am really into this idea. S. and I just spent 20 minutes going through the online Darkon gallery to decide which country we'd be a part of if we decided to participate. Mordom probably. Although Aqulonia looks scrappy & has a dog, Elidor has badass armor, and one country has a mascot of a polar bear wearing rapper bling, so I could get into that as well.

Dead serious, pls let me know. There's an upcoming battle in Burtonsville.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Mattos and I spent a chunk of this morning trying to decide if lesbian vampires or zombie strippers were more awesome (winner: zombie strippers on rollerskates.) Kind of related: a really stupid looking MTV movie about vampires is about to be released, and all Mattos could say about it was "OMG HOTTNESS CEDRIC DIGGORY!!!!"

Internet, I am calling out my nerdiest one of my nerdier friends.

That is all.