Thursday, June 23, 2005

Coming Soon: The Up-Armored Prius

In a move that has shocked most who know him, a friend of the Pygmalion recently joined the armed services. It was done for convoluted reasons and under no pretense of civic duty. One assumes he was recruited out of the Army's need for another adorably blonde, wise-ass Private Benjamin-like soldier in an effort to boost morale. Instead they got a short, Simpson-quoting, wise-ass Jew. What happens when Montgomery County's most cynical native son joins the army? Through the magic of Instant Messaging we can find out. Remember, this is a wild violation of our friendship, so let's keep it quiet. The Nabob's comments are in brick.

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Today I got a haircut by the army barber that was very short. I went for weigh in and the drill sergeant told me to go back and get it shorter. It's short.

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5:18 AM We're firing weapons today. I'm looking to survive without hurting anyone. Although it is alarming how well i can assemble and disassemble a pistol and rifle. What're your plans for the 4th of July?

What are you doing up at 5:18am? I would have assumed you AWOL by now. July 4th is pretty far away. I’m not even sure if I have it off.

indeed, 5:18 a.m. I was able to sleep in. But no time for love Dr. Jones, this part of basic training ends June 24 so after that I will have some weekends off before I leave for real. Let me know if you're going to the beach on the 4th. Rifle's got quite a kickback.

No dice on the beach because of work. Maybe just the Nats game and fireworks.

No Beach? Come on! Does - SUPPORT OUR TROOPS! - mean anything to you?

it's good to see you’re already abusing that. The beach is a no go.

I know. I was busting your balls. That’s what we do in the army. alright - i'm going to ocean city with the GF. That OC got some good funnel cake. And maybe taffy.

You can even make your own maryland OC CD like the California OC CDs.

Yeah, only less Dandy Warhols and more Steve Miller Abracadabra.

If the Orioles are any indication, you could also use Thank God I'm a Country Boy and Toby Keith.

John Denver's as much a part of O's games as skanky whores with mullets.

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I had to wake up at 3:45am for a piss test. Where's Onterio Smith when you need him?

I could have lent you my synthetic dried urine. You just add water. Now with realistic, race-specific man-groin!

I ate at Applebee's and Outback on successive nights. Think that will show up in the sample?

Not unless fried onion is an opiate.

I believe it is. I think next week we start training for combating the vast Bloomin’ Onion economy that’s sprung up in Afghanistan.

Right. Say what you will about the tenets of the Taliban but at least they kept the onion fields in check. By the way, I assume your uniform looks like this

Jesus, is that jackee? how the mighty have tubbied. we had a dress inspection today where they took out mini-rulers to see how well our uniforms lined up. it was a fine way to end the day after our pre-dawn urine sample test.

It’s not Jackee but someone who’s basing her career on the resemblance.

Why cast Jackee when you can get her non-union, low-budget counterpart? Oh Marla Gibbs, a tearful nation turns to face the dawn and awaits your return.

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We're doing combat training overnight - blanks in out rifles. Simulate invading a country. You’d love it. It’s the only thing I’ve been looking forward to. Now all i have left this summer is Stealth - great actors, great plot, great movie.

Is that the remake of D.A.R.Y.L?

The Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform? That baseball playing, ATM robbing, airplane stealing android was the only warm memory in my cold childhood.

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war simulation this weekend pretty much sucked.

Why, thought you wanted to do it? Did you get killed in the first ten minutes and have to sit the rest out?

It pretty much consisted of me digging a hole and lying in it in the prone position for 18 straight hours. in hindsight, it would have been much better to have been KIA within the first couple of minutes. at least then i could lie on my back.

1 comment:

The Governess said...

oh Captain my Captain...