Wednesday, January 03, 2007

let me see ya bounce right to left n let ya shoulder lean

My day off yesterday was grand, except for the whole losing-spare-keys / dog-in-trashcan / three-hours-to-drive-to-my-folks-house morning thing. But the afternoon was exponentially better, I got a winter coat so now I don't have to star in the role of Fey Teenager Freezing to Death at the bus stop every morning. If I rode the bus.

* * *

My new years resolution is to fix my back and neck, which has been on a downhill trajectory the past few years. Treatments thus far have included muscle relaxants, painkillers, x-rays, puzzled and bewildered general practioners, new wave crap, a dietician, limited physical therapy, a quack or two, Ibuprofen ODing, general whining, tears, a completely frustrated husband who is tired of said whining and being the sole provider of contortionist backrubs, and a chiropractor that originally gave some relief (and also LOW WHISTLED when he saw my xrays, which, great? thanks for that professional evaluation, basically the whistle-equivalent of "whoa are you ever fucked?") but who I ultimately found annoying and didn't appreciate his "payment plan," so when his secretary called to make my next appointment I spun an elaborate tale about how I unexpectedly moved to St. Louis.

Part of the annoyance is that the Neck/Shoulder From Hades attacks in several sneaky ways: first, the ever-present knot under my shoulder blade and achey-stabby thing in the uppder-middle right of my neck, in btwn the protruding bone and top of the right shoulder blade. That has been with me on and off since high school, but has become a daily thing since 2002 or so. I don't even notice it anymore, except when I do.

Second, the "I Must Have Slept on It Wrong" stiffness and tenderness. This involves me walking like a robot and having to sleep flat on my back with tennis balls between my shoulder blades and under my neck. This lasts for days or weeks and is sooooo awesome.

Third, the nerve thing. This is the least frequent and yet most disconcerting. When I was 15, I worked at a framing supply store, and was shocked by an ungrounded shrink wrap machine. It knocked me to the floor, and I easily blame my sub-par PSAT scores on that incident. Even typing this makes me feel nauseous. My shoulder/neck/arm gets a similar electrical rush from time to time, usually when I've been sitting too long at my desk. Luckily, it comes without the full-body re-wiring like the events of 14/15 years ago.

Anyways, next stop: ART. My aunt has had pretty good luck with ART chiropractors/practioners, and there is a nearby Dr. who seems like he is a possibility. Also, he works on triathletes. Why this imnpresses me, I have no idea, but doooods, TRIATHLETES. I am going to a TRIATHLETE DOCTOR.


HA HAHAHHHAHAHAH.

13 comments:

Emily said...

Have you tried heavy drinking?

The Governess said...

only always.

ryan said...

Have you been to a neurologist? Also, television seems to suggest that repeating the original harmful activity, in this case shrink wrap machine shock, will eliminate whatever negative and/or supernatural aftereffects you might have.

The Governess said...

i've been avoiding a neurologist because I'm a total pansy. and lazy. I always figured if it got bad to a point ath I couldn't stand it, I'd make an appointment.

For a while I just shrugged it off as mild scoliosis - "pinched nerve", which is amateur and dumb.

I won't get shocked again. Nice try, television, you heinous bitch. And although that might have something to do with the funky nerve pulses, the rest of my shoulder/back problems started before that incident. So.

The Governess said...

"ath" = bad

ryan said...

A neurologist might be able to help all three, and they don't always opt for open brain surgery right away, at least not without asking you first.

Otherwise, yeah, drinking, or better still, opiates. Or hey, you're in Virginia, right? You probably have three or four faith healers in your neighborhood; you could give them a shot.

The Governess said...

a quick google of "virginia faith healers" leads me to believe they don't have a strong web presence. No internet? I don't know any other way to find things, Ryan. And my shoulder's too hurty to lift the yellow pages.

ryan said...

You're in luck; you can take care of everything online!

tom said...

This seems like an unusually non-flimsy excuse for buying a hot tub.

the Nabob said...

Tom, don't think that hasn't already been considered. I know I can handle the demo and the plumbing involved in installing it myself. But I'm not willing to give up my tool bench and the G wants to keep the washer and dryer for some reason.

tom said...

Well, what about the lawn?

The Governess said...

our "lawn" technically belongs to the Neighborhood Association We Pay to Mow and Take Care of It.


actually, we're squatters.

tom said...

Okay, no lawn. Roof?

If no roof: super-soaker with/curling iron mashup?