Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Attention: I am going to start a neighborhood blog because I have an opinion

Don't you love it when you write something and later on in the day, you read it and think: wow, this might be the most annoying thing I've ever written in my life? Thanks, blogging!

Okay, question. 25 new emails in my inbox, all from the Neighborhood Association message board. I am certain my new post entitled "YOU GUYS ARE ALL TODDLERS, OUI?" is going to take me far in my campaign to become next Neighborhood Association President, right? (I was going to add a joke here about how "I've started an exploratory committee" but then I'd have to kill myslf or move to Lincoln NE, in that order. What? Right.)

I can't even remember why I signed up for this website. I think the only time I ever posted something it smelled a little like: "oh my god why are there no straight lines in our house PS can someone please tell me who a girl has to blow around here to find someone to hang an outside door??????"

Usually the neighbors in our extremely tiny 'hood are courteous, and fun-insane (previously ref. 60-odd-year old lesbian who wears WWII goggles and drives her motorbike on the lawns moped and puts Doritos in her bird feeder; I LOVE her) and just one or two not-so-fun-insane (dillhole my age who allegedly takes photos of the neighbors outside her back window just in case she happens to see a solitary dog temporarily off it's leash, so she can call the cops. To her I say: eat me. We don't take our beast off-leash after that one incident you ratted us out. You win, we play be your rules and by the law now. Boring, but necessary. Point taken.)

25 messages on the tragic lack of parking which only exists in the hive mind of a few people? In truth, it is not really a problem. Our neighborhood is a few short streets. You can walk the entire development in five minutes, unless you see someone with a fun dog who you need to cuddle. (This happens a lot.) There is always parking available somewhere within the development. I cannot comprehend why it's necessary to throw a internet bitchfit because you "come home from work at 6:00 and there's no parking on my street OMG!!1" which, translated, means, "my neighbor has loud sex and it keeps me up at night and she bought ugly drapes which are bringing my propoerty value down and then she has the nerve to take the parking space directly in front of my front door and now I have to walk 20 feet." I do not know of anyone who is in a wheelchair (there are handicapped spots available) nor massively pregnant. Public streets, by the way.

My favorite proposed idea thus far: "Can we limit the numbers of cars owned by each house?" My imagination of the potential wacky hijinks that will come from enforcing something like that almost makes selling one of our cars worth it. I am all for public transportation and less cars on the road and environmental responsibility but. But. But. Besides, we're one of a select few assholes who own two cars.

Let's all please agree to get back to recommending handymen to install attic fans, sasquatch sightings, whether or not the colors of the pansy plantings are representative of a particular football fanbase we don't like and therefore can we get the colors changed, tree limb removal, banding together in a neighborly fashion to fight the onslaught of rabid mimes on unicorns, marmot infestations, whatever. I mean, that's all we talked about online all summer, and weren't those glorious times, neighborhood? I miss them.


tom said...

Dude, forget neighborhood blogs. You know you can always air any petty grudges you may have at the city level.

Of course, word on the street is that you might have some kind of connection to the actually-serious national media, too. Pitch it as a human interest story! Make these car-limiting motherfuckers sorry they ever heard of a neighborhood association by-law.

The Governess said...

In all honesty, I can't air my grievances because I 98% love where I live. Except for a few select residents. I'm seeing instead a point-counterpoint with Avent re his feelings towards us lame suburbanites sucking up all his money. :)