Thursday, August 11, 2005

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.


1. On my way to work (late, wet hair) I passed a Camry with a Wyoming license plate, which happens – oh, like, never times a week in the DC area. Even more perplexing was the giant license plate holder proclaiming said car to be associated with Alpha Kappa Alpha. When I passed by and peeked in the windows, I saw 3 or 4 sisters grooving out/raising roof to some sort of emotionally charged music. It’s pretty much been the best thing to happen all morning, a sedan full of happy, dancing African American women from Wyoming, passing me on 395.

2. My entire forehead is peeling off in big sheets. Face dandruff. The only remedy for this, I feel, is more time in the sun. My Danish mother is screeching from the beyond (the beyond = NoVa) to wear 50 SPF or I’ll GET WRINKLES AND BTW THE LAST TIME SHE SAW ME I HAD DETECTABLE CROWS FEET, MAYBE? We’ll see who has the last word on all this. Anyways, I leave for the beach, again, tonight. I’m missing a staff meeting tomorrow, which might make me happier then actually going to the beach.

3. How fucked up do you think you really have to be to get on the show "Renovate My Family?" Because there are two things I’m kind of jonesing for right now: A Jacuzzi on the roof of my house, and a chance to kick ole’ Dr. Asshat’s son in the teeth. Two birds, meet stone in yr head.

4. Story I just remembered: I went to this "communications professionals/networking" conference in the Arizona desert last winter. It was on a ranch, with cowboys. It involved mostly crazy group therapy sessions with smatterings of communications planning and business management skills. It was bizonkers. Anyways, in between passing boxes of Kleenex around as the mostly middle-aged women attendees talked about their fears ("employees retaining incorrect corporate messages due to faulty ladder-system communication", "death") we had to meditate in the desert and ADOPT A CACTUS to TALK TO EVERY MORNING so we could become one with nature and feel our own power to change corporate thought processes. Whatever.

(I have to stop briefly here and collect my thoughts. I have so many blog worthy stories from that week in my life, it’s like: where do I even begin????)

Okay, so anyways, we also met with some sort of Native ranch-hand who used a type of tarot card system to determine our animal spirit. I shit you not. Everyone was kind of jealous and pissed (in that group-of-only-women-together-every-waking-moment-for-a-full-week kind of way) that I was a Raven. * Especially the woman who got Frog. Anyways, I’m one tricksy fucker, apparently, so watch out! Additionally, I'm mysterious.

(Also that week, I rode a pony named Chino and learned how to move cattle. Just like the rich and famous, but with less cocaine and wearing of babydoll dresses.)

5. Never tell anyone that their last hookup kind of looks like the son Chris from "Family Guy." ** Especially if the person you’re referring to is a woman.


7. Dog comes home T-minus a week, or so. I'm sure he'll have a presence on this blog. Because nothing's funnier than crazy women who write blog entries from their dogs in the first person! (Also in the works: I'm going to start wearing puffy-painted Disney sweatshirts, collecting Care Bear figurines, and having framed portraits of the dog on my desk. Also also, referring to dog as my child.)

* I love websites that use "wipes." It reminds me of college, geocities, and PINE email systems.

** "Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!"


Lady Jane Grey said...

***p.s. He so was not my last hookup! He was like oh, at least 5 hookups ago. And we really only went on one "date," at the end of which I decided to refer to him exclusively by the name of the midwestern state in which he was born. I found this fascinating for some reason. Perhaps it was the Cap'n and Diet.

Every time I see him I a) hear Chris' laugh b) think of the Peter Griffin v. Chicken fight sequence. Awesome.

How many ex-whatevers can provide that kind of lasting amusement??

The Governess said...

I so wasn't referring to you.

I was instead, referring to the fact that a certain WOMAN looked like a Family Guy character.

but now I'm cracking up.

topic15 said...

I remember the AKA's from Elon. They used to meow like cats. What's up with that?