The State of the Pyggy

1.

So, I need help. I made the mistake of buying a 99-cent (99 cents!) bag of sunflower seeds* at the office-park deli next door, and now I am completely on salt overload, but I can't stop. My lips are all shriveled and puckered. Can you die from too much sodium? Can I ever stop eating these? How annoying is it to sit next to a girl spitting in the trash can every few minutes? (my guess: pretty annoying.) I'm fearing for my health, seriously.

2.

With the purchase of a dog comes the distinct possibility that I will be spending a lot more time at home, instead of boozing constantly/irresponsibly and hanging out with scratchy meth addicts in abandoned corner buildings**, as is my current modus operandi. (I actually feel like: hey, I pretty much hate what I do. Maybe I should quit my job in order to spend more time with the dog! Who's with me? Bill collectors, I'm looking at you!) So, besides taking another living thing out for walks and picking up poop, I need TV to watch as we play exciting mind games like "let's tear up the couch and bark." It is August, have you seen the kind of crap that is on television right now? The Nabob just bought the sixth season of the Simpsons, but I'm thinking about buying "Undeclared", as well. Anything else out there I can watch?

3.

I went to dinner last night with someone who smoked a CLOVE CIGARETTE, unironically.

4.

Tonight marks my first volleyball game in several weeks. So far, my *regimented **training schedule (see above: also add in copious grilled cheese) probably hasn't helped me to achieve athletic greatness for the Fall season. Also, with the sunflower seed thing going on this morning, my chances of dying from dehydration are pretty high. It was fun while it lasted, people. Mom gets my giraffe figurine collection from 5th grade, I know she'd want it. Anyways, at least I'll die tan.

5.

http://www.picturebookart.org/
http://stuffonmycat.com/

6.

Facts:

- The number one cause of death amongst redwood trees is toppling.
- The state dog of North Carolina is a Plott Hound.
- My friend Matt once had a next-door neighbor named Darren who did the following things within a two-hour time frame: 1. laid in front of his girlfriends truck and she ran over him 2. stole three bottle of prescription meds from Matt's bathroom 3. Set fire to the awning over the front door of his townhouse.
- Cement is a powder mixed with water that hardens into a smoothish, stony consistency. Concrete contains cement, along with broken stone or gravel, sand, and water.
- Ironically, I worked for the park service on a lava field a few short years after almost flunking geology 101. (wait. is that irony? Like most of America, I always misuse "ironic")
- A ruck in rugby is when the ball is on the ground and one or more players from each team are on their feet and in physical contact, closing around the ball between them. A player joining a ruck must have his head and shoulders no lower than his hips. He must bind with at least one arm around the body of a player of his team in the ruck.