It used to be the People's drug

In an effort to reverse the public’s perceived and accurate perception that my local CVS is little more than a needlessly inconvenient urban cavity, they have recently laminated large portraits of happy, inoffensive generics on their windows. While I find that the huge amounts of red to remind me of block long Time magazine I do like them better than the fake Ultimate Frisbee scenes they used to employ. I found it hard to believe that any self respecting college student would really use a 110-gram K9 frisbee.

I also have to applaud CVS for opening their wallets to get some big names to support their claims that their pharmacy pill bottles normally contain more than broken bits of sidewalk chalk or old Lemonhead candies. I challenge you to prove that this one picture is not Matt Lauer attempting to sell your grandmother her heart medicine.



Now, you may have noticed the Drugstore Matt is missing few teeth. It seems that these humungous faces are too delicious a target for our local juvenile graffiti artist who has a Borf-like need (minus the creativity or weak-sauce political motivation) to deface them. A few "classics":



I personally find the overall effort to be laughably unsophisticated and the focus on teeth is particularly disturbing. The various bridges and jersey barriers around this city led me to believe that there was some real talent among the young street artists. This causes me to believe that what we have here is nothing more than an older or bored or befuddled miscreant – I’m thinking some GW fratter coming back from the Sign of the Whale late one night.

Up until Wednesday I had no problem with anyone defacing any CVS anywhere. But that’s only because one picture had remained unblemished. Behold, the only reason why I come into the city anymore:



The G is aware of my crush on this woman, whoever she is. With her luxuriant red hair, crystal blue eyes and perfect, unmarred smile, she causes me to blush every time I walk by. Even the homeless Australian guy smells better when he stands near her. She makes me want to consider getting an Extra Care card so I can save $5 on a $30 purchase of exclusively CVS goods or foodstuffs.

But that all ended on Wednesday morning when I was aghast to see this:



Listen, I’m trying to defend or stand up for or do anything nice for CVS. In fact, if the rumor that they are building a Walgreens on the site where Lulu’s once stood is true then it will be the greatest thing to happen to the Golden Triangle since, well, they tore down Lulu’s. I will never have to step foot in any shithole CVS ever again. But if I catch the degenerate who drew raccoon eyes on my focused cupidity, I will peel back his lids, blacken his eyeballs with his own Sharpie and then laugh manically after I ignite the flammable material inside and it crackles with a barbed and agonizing pain.