I threw a little tantrum on Saturday morning after arriving to my flag football game only to find white tents, jumbotrons and no opposing team or refs set up on the field. But I figured that I couldn’t be too angry at the Veterans, the assumed recipients of the staged attention, so I cursed the league officials for only announcing the cancellation on the weather line at 7:30am. Who would think to check the weather line on the most beautiful November Saturday ever announced by Howard Bernstein? Not this idiot, that's who not.
(This morning I found out that it wasn’t a Veteran’s Day event at all but the set up for the ground breaking of the MLK Memorial that caused the cancellation. This gives me absolutely zero reason to be upset with anyone but the league since the plan to build the Memorial has been around since about 1999. Actually, that’s totally not true since I donated money for the site awhile back and if I’d read any of the email updates they’ve sent me I probably would have read that the groundbreaking was Saturday. Still, the blame goes 98% league, 2% me and an extra 10% to Howard Bernstein.)
In other team news, we are currently on the lookout for new players. But before you raise your hands and strap on your girdle know that we are only in need linemen and quarterbacks. No more wideouts. Everyone wants to play receiver or safety but nobody ever wants to block. And most of you can’t throw worth a damn either. Also if you get hurt easily don’t bother coming. I’ve heard two Achilles tendons pop in 3 years and the police don’t like it when you drive my car on to the Mall just so I can cart people to the hospital. Both times I’ve tried this they’ve gotten out of their cars with their hand on their revolvers and that little leather holster strap unbuttoned.
This city’s political turnover rate is also a troubling factor in our in ability to field a consistent team. Thanks to Election Day, four of our players will soon not have jobs keeping them in town. (“Wow, you played D1 ball and you’re a high powered strategist for an unnamed political party?” We’ll, you may run like JC Watts but you strategize like shit. )
But fear not. Through connected channels we have the opportunity to extend an invitation to the projected number one flag football pick from the new Congress, Heath Shuler. Sure he’s 34 and has major mobility issues but he can probably still throw the ball for miles. A few years back I ran in a 5k with Steve Largent and he smoked me. He had to be at least 15 years older than Heath is now so I still got hope. My only concern would be the constant heckling by every soul who walked by the fields on Saturday morning.
We’re also looking to pick up a new lineman so I’ve got my eye on Senator-elect John Tester out of Montana. He looks like a pretty big boy but I’m a little worried about the footwork of a guy of his size. And the whole lost-three-finger-in-a-meat-grinder thing didn’t go over well in the pre-draft combine. We played a guy who was only missing two fingers last weekend and he dropped two easy passes.
With our last pick, we might take a gamble on Representative-elect Steve Kagen out of Wisconsin. I’m not sure about his speed or on-the-field skills but the fact that he’s a doctor is a definite plus. And Green Bay is in his district so maybe he’s got some connections with the Packers. Specifically, Mark Chmura because that guy knows how to party.