Also not good for you: their new Red Bull glaze

Before my current gig as a teacher at Robert Strange McNamara's School for Well Groomed Boys I worked in PR and PR work stunk. Not the free stuff or the fashion shows or trips to London or all the models that worked in my office, that was all really great. More it was the oozy, slimeball feeling of leaving the office everyday knowing you are trying to manipulate dumb people into buying things they don't need. But that was in the past. Now I instruct young men how to part their hair in the fashion of this nations 23rd finest Secretary of Defense, Robert Strange McNamara.

I also pride myself on avoiding the manipulations of these hucksters, having walked so far in their mucus-filled shoes. That's why I was doubly sickened after quickly eating 3 Krispy Kreme donuts, having fallen for their manipulative, whole wheat schemes.

I thought I'd try the new whole wheat donuts that KK started selling last week and am now ruing it. The claim of merely 180 calories per donut does not cut back on the nauseating feeling one realizes after sudden consumption. I bought a half-dozen at the Dupont Circle branch - two regular, two whole wheat and two of the (I'm assuming) St. Patrick's green sprinkled and chocolate ones - and then bunkered down in the lab for some scientific experimentation.

Actually, technically, I never made it to the lab and was double fisting donuts on the walk back. Right hand bite: regular - left hand bite: irregular. Right hand: regular - left hand: irregular. Right hand: regular - left hand: irregular. Then I chased both with a green St Paddy's sprinkle bomb, for good measure.

Conclusion? The whole wheat donut needs to be viewed not as a lo-cal version of the original glazed but as a whole new donut - like a warm Crystal Pepsi. It tastes different, kinda caramel-y (New name: Carmelos?) but the glaze is the same so it goes down just as smooth. And your gums turn spongy and purplish and your teeth fall out just like they would normally.

The radio and TV reports said I just saved 20 calories. The stories I heard last weak claimed that an original glazed carries 200 to your hips and neck versus the new one with only 180. But according to the Kreme's own website, there's a little sleight of hand going on there. First off, the serving size of the new one is four grams smaller - 52 vs 48 - so it isn't an exact comparison. Secondly, while there is a 20 calorie difference between the two (you'd burn about that many making your bed or vacuuming a living room) they have the same amount of sugar, cholesterol, and saturated fat. The whole wheat does have less total fat (1 gram) but has more sodium.

So where did I stand after my trip and little taste test?

640 calories or a Starbuck's Venti Tazo Chai Frappuccino Blended Créme
33 grams of fat or Arby's Bac 'n' Cheddar Deluxe Sandwich
79 grams of carbs or one of KFC's "Famous" Bowls
44 grams of sugar or 4 straight up tablespoons of sugar

Rumor has it that I'm running a 10k (or the farthest I've ever run at one time, ever) at the end of the month. I went running later in the day to "train" and glaze came out my pores. However, I'm really aiming for this next year. Behold, from the founder:

If I had ever been in a frat I would have had to kill myself bc I would be a giant douche.