Just like the TL, the Pyggy’s have recently been harassed by a robotic phone harpy who relays that while we are in no sort of trouble it would be advised to call back or our fingers may be chopped off with a cigar cutter like in Darkman. Fortunately for our digits, the message is for someone who I think is named Pham Houng and if Benny were to show up he would hopefully realize he has the wrong group of deadbeats.
In a similar – and equally violent – vein, in the past few days our household has been seriously jocked by the Nielsen Media Research group. It seems we are a perfect enough TV watching family that they deemed it necessary to twice send someone to our house to woo us.
Here’s my understanding of it: our house is at the most south-western corner of our neighborhood and solely based on that fact we are somehow eligible to represent every other building on the block. Our race, sex, bacon eating habits*, would characterize everyone else’s race, sex, bacon eating habits in a 30 household area. We would be TV Family Alpha for all you chumps. If we watched Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader: Making the Team last week, then everyone watched it. If that one guy down the street who works for the government as a librarian and is also married to another librarian decides to watch PBS Presents: High Brow Programming, well then, that’s to bad American because I was watching Hollow Man 2 on Sci-Fi last night. Veronica Mars, Friday Night Lights, Rome? All those shows can go to hell. We are not watching them and therefore no one is watching them. Ha HA!
Other bonuses? First, they’d send us hard dollars. Or “periodic thank you checks” as their pamphlet indicated. Also, if our TV or VCR were to malfunction during our participation with the Media Research they would happily foot half the bill. Half the bill! That’s literally dozens of dollars!
Unfortunately, there is a short list of disqualifiers that Nielsen keeps hidden from the public and at the end of the day it was determined we are not eligible to participate. They didn’t tell us exactly what went wrong but I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact the Dick Wolf is my dad.
*as far as I know, I am the only person in our neighborhood that uses a smoker to make his own bacon.