wicked

Maine is horrific and ugly, full of dull people and bad times.

It is not a place you want to go, ever.

You should really stay away at all costs.*






* (see how brilliant I am? Now you will all stay far away from Maine, and leave it all for me {insert diabolical laughter}. Hells, while I'm at it: also, all of my friends are plain-looking** and distasteful, and their nuptials are usually terrible.)

** it's really hard being in photos with that many lookers.***

*** granted, lookers who, when intoxicated, can be kind of a handful. To the owners of the Union Bluff Hotel: I'm sorry. You should be very happy, however, that I was able to convince some members of the party that taking home landscaping boulders as a souvenier of your New England vacation probably wasn't practical, and maybe, just maybe, the Union Bluff Hotel LIKED those boulders right where they were. And even if you did have a self-proclaimed Famous Baseball Player**** in your bar that night, there was really no need for him to prove his manliness by moving landscaping boulders around/heaving them into a rental Cobalt.

**** yeah, that certainly wasn't true. He's also not a lumberjack, NOR a chimney sweep. It distresses me that all my good friends are such great liars.