Thursday, October 05, 2006

Hamburglared II

My plan was to enjoy burgers on three consecutive days from a 5 Guys, In n Out and Whattaburger was aborted when this beautiful machine rolled up on me like a wheeled meat cloud* factory.

I also feared I may not have given California’s premiere cholesterol shack fair shakes by ranking them behind 5 Guys after a single, lunchtime rush double-double. I’ve had Whattaburger anyways and unless they’ve changed their recipe in the last few months I would have placed them third. They can sit this one out until I visit Te-has next. Let’s give the I’n’O another go around.

My original beef with the single double-double was that while it was a delicious mélange of meat, vegetables and salad dressing, it didn’t really seem like much more than a fresh Wendy’s minus the square patty and freezer burn. Apparently, though, I got a bum steer with the first one because my truck burger was superfineoutstanding. All the parts tasted like nature intended – beefy, tomato-y, thousand island-y – unlike the normal fast food travesty. You forget that lettuce, tomatoes, onions are meant to do more than just making a burger taller.

But still.

It’s wasn’t 5 Guys good. On Sunday last (before I even knew I would even be anywhere near an In ‘n’ Out and could attempt this experiment) I blasphemed to my lovely G that 5 Guys would have been the restaurant the Jesus and his A-Posses would have sought after a Saturday of watching college football and turning wine into beer and before the Sigma Kappa mixer.

Could all the pilgrims who have returned from the left coast bragging on the double-double been wrong? Was stopping by after bashing in the windshield of little Larry Sellers’ neighbor’s car just another blunder for Walter and Donny that night? Was I just ordering the wrong thing?

I approached the man in the In ‘n’ Out polo shirt who was in charge of bringing meat to the masses and told him of my concern. He listened with his hand on his chin and then quietly placed an order form me. This was the result.

Extra lettuce is for pussies.

I’d heard there is a fake secret menu and research has shown that I received my burger “Animal Style.” Everything was doubled and fried up extra onion-like. Finally, here was something that could compete with 5 Guys.

But not. I’m still going with 5 Guys. 2 patties, cheese, fried onions, lettuce, tomato, sautéed mushrooms, mustard and A1 sauce. Perfect.


Not perfect.

KitKat has released a Halloween version that is terrible. It’s melty orange on the outside and groady chocolate wafer on the inside. The evil tricksters at Hershey have duped me for the last time. I had to go get a third double-double to wash the poison taste out of my mouth.

* more on meat clouds later.


The Governess said...

1. i love meat clouds.

2. you are still wrong about five guys.

the Nabob said...

But I'm so right about the KitKat.

tom said...

well, understand where the kitkat people are coming from. they probably had the colors arranged the other way in previous years, and got a focus group of kids all psyched up for Halloween Kitkat, and then revealed it and the kids couldn't tell the difference. One started crying.

"No!" the executive who had seen this project through from the beginning protested. "Don't you see? The inside is slightly oranger. Isn't that fun?"

But even as he said it he knew that when he got home his wife would be ashamed, and he wouldn't be able to look his children in the eyes. Never again: the drumbeat in his veins. Never again.

Brunch Bird said...

Egads! I am reminded of the Mitch Hedberg (pause to pour some malt bev on the ground) joke: "KitKats have the name KitKat imprinted on the bars. That robs you of choc-o-late." These things look like they'd also rob you of your dignity.