Wednesday, October 04, 2006

tough nights with johnny lawdog

1. I get laws. I know they exist to protect our stupid asses from ourselves. I am also mostly law-abiding as an adult, not particularly into heroin and with the exception of speeding and dumb stuff like that, fairly responsible. I have only been in a fight once, and if you remember from past blog entries: I kicked the shit out of that dude. *

2. My dog is not particularly well behaved, and he is a protective turf asshole when someone comes in his house (ask Sommer.) But he's actually a reasonable dog in nature, comes when called, enjoys being petted and torturing squirrels, etc. (Just like we all do!) And I also am wary of him around new people, and keep a watchful eye. It is a source of great worry to me, because he is not always the friendliest dog, and because we do know of people severely injured by dog attacks. Hell, my mom once was bitten by a collie who decided her calf looked so much like a Renn Faire turkey leg, that the dog crossed over an invisible electrical fence, bit my girl, and then crossed back.. BALLS!

3. Oh yeah, and my dog tears my shit to shreds. (This has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share that. Again.)

Animal control must be a terrible job, and the guy was nice enough about it. And, only a warning. Which is good, considering the holy hell one neighbor raised about the entire sitch, and the holy hell I'm sure a disgruntled dog-hater raised when she/he called the AC in the 1st place.

But anyhoos, gimme a small fucking tiny break. I hate myself right now a little bit, because I sound like a horrid yuppie wit my lil my precious puppers. AC: Go hunt panthers or something. Better yet: solve the burgeoning mosquito-off-leash problems in the park behind my house. (It's OCTOBER. WHY AM I SO BITTEN.) Or, mockingbirds? Crazy Parakeet Lady across the street who keeps cages full of squawking birds in front of her open windows? Hellbeasts roaming the streets, dripping blood from pus-filled fangs?


Oh, wait. Hee. Also I got yelled out for trying to sneak away from the group to avoid a ticket. It was like high school all over again, except without the shitty keg beer, and instead of hot dudes in soccer shorts and hemp necklaces, it was a bunch of soccer moms and myself watching golden retrievers wrestle and doling out half-time BakonCheezyWoof snacks. And no one called my mom.

So. Someone has ratted our asses out, which means me and my ferocious beast will have to sneak around town from now on, total pariahs from the Monthly Board Meetings and shit. PWNED BY AN CONTROL!

Also, on the side of The Law: why is there always that guy - the one guy who always has to be all "THIS IS MY PROPERTY! CAN YOU SHOW ME A COPY OF THIS LAW OF WHICH YOU SPEAK? ARE YOU WRITING ME A TICKET JUST BECAUSE I ASKED TO SEE A COPY OF THE LAW!!! SEEING THAT LAWBLAH is my right as a citizen blah blah blah blizzzaahahhhhhhh" Dude, enough. We get it, you went to law school. Take your warning and shut up.

Even better, animal control officer # 4 (not kidding, it took FOUR of these people to subdue and ticket this crazed bunch of backyard cutie marauders!) just came back to the house to give me a SECOND warning, because apparently the first one wasn't written correctly and his boss yelled at him.

Maybe we should leave. I'm ashamed of ourselves.

The N. leaves town for half a second, and suddenly his family's on the lam.

* (before the reading teacher came in and told us to sit down. that counts, right?)


tom said...

it might just be a warning, but now it's on Brown Dog's permanent record. here's hoping that prospective colleges and employers will be understanding.

The Governess said...

i KNOW. he's so going to end up in a state school now, and THEN who's going to support us in our old age. We're fucked.