Tuesday, November 29, 2005

monday night's alright, for fightin.

I AM A MAGNET FOR CROTCHETY OL BATS.

My great-aunt is recovering nicely from emergency bypass. Last night, we discussed her intense hatred for:

- Surgeons (INOVA Ffx, site of her last surgery)
- Food (Hospital, retirement community)
- Pills (Too many, too many colors, probably dying her organs green?)
- Clones (Nurses drawing excessive blood, probably making a clone of her in the nurses station)*
- Traffic
- Cat litter
- "Foreigners" (In general)

After my visit, (for which I have just been nominated for the prestigious Daughter of Millennium award, my mother is so thankful), I went and had eleventy Ravens at BP, and dem crunchy tots.

LJG was helpful to point out that 3 beers constitutes binge drinking (medical info totes courtesy Mom LJG, who you know stole it from 20/20.) K. showed pics of her niece in a velour jumpsuit bedecked with "SAWL RIVER SADDLE CLUB" or whatever embroidery, playing an autoharp like she was DJing at only the tightest New Haven club. I might (might) research kidnapping.

And then I drove home and tried to take photos of the Cavalia tents. While driving. PONYTENTS.

PS. My dog has learned a new trick. When we shoot him with a gun/finger and say bang, that is his un-PC cue to "play dead." Instead, he has learned to dramatically flip himself onto his back, stick his limbs straight out, and roll his eyes back til you only see the whites. It’s a combo of doggy seizure and rigor mortis, and it cracks my shit up, so I guess the original trick has failed but this is so much the better.

Next up I’m going to teach him to jump up and fold his paws together when I yell "AMEN BROTHER!"

The end.


* besides the dog, funniest things include an 85 year old woman ranting about clones.

12 comments:

Drew said...

3 beers constitutes binge drinking? And here I thought I was doing better these days. And the overacting dog? Priceless.

the Nabob said...

Hey Drew, you want to know what's priceless? The priceless dollhouse my mother bought for my little cousin's Xmas that the Governess' mother fucking dog destroyed over the weekend. The reason it plays dead so well is because it came really close to being killed.

The Governess said...

Dude. Totally you rfault. Plasti cbag on the floor. Who can resist plastic bags on the floor? It peanut butter is dog crack, then plastic bags are dog heroin.

Ethan Wiggum said...

I'm just curious how little pickled tornado became so up on the binge drinking info.

the Nabob said...

G.

then we need some doggie methadone

and

for someone who's been on a recent tirade about the spelling and grammatical errors in the Capital File, you sure have been making a bunch or spelling and grammatical errors.

Drew said...

The reason it plays dead so well is because it came really close to being killed.
Damn! I've experienced that aspect of dog ownership as well, although usually it was limited to getting to and devouring food from impossibly high places. That was my German chocolate cake, you little fucker! That combined with the apparently compulsive need to shit in the upstairs hallway almost resulted in my dad killing the dog on several occasions. Fortunately we didn't have any presents for little girls destroyed though, or that might have been the last straw. I think we came close the time she tore a bunch of wallpaper down though. Personally, I favored the new look, that paper was ugly as hell.

The Governess said...

IKNOWI CANTSPELL AT AL.


Also, my keyboard is the crap.

Lady Jane Grey said...

Knowledge gleaned from life experience and many lectures, Lance. I'm a living example of what NOT do do.

Ethan Wiggum said...

... and here I was basing my young and highly impressionable life on what I had gleaned to be your example.

I demand more LJG authorship of posts.

The Governess said...

who doesn't demand that shit?

the Nabob said...

Still, brown dog isnt as bad as black dog

Drew said...

Wow, I missed the post about the past transgressions of the black dog. The extensive destruction reminded me that I had forgotten the worst act of my own dog, which was running into my Dad's knee so hard that she tore some cartilage in it. He had to have arthroscopic surgery because of my dog, that's so wrong.