American tourists flock to see the village green

A fabulous idea from my email archives, circa 2002:

I'm going to start marketing my own brand of shoes to the new generation of skatepunks. Instead of Airwalks, they will be called "Crabwalks." I believe my target demo to be anyone excited by the release of this summer's hottest Abercrombie and Fitch inspired movie, "Blue Crush. Which, of course, I am seeing posthaste.

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I spent the entire weekend going batshit-woman-crazy for no apparent reason; nothing angers me more than self-fulfilling stereotypes and yet here I am, Ms. Weepy American 2005! I picked fights, bought The Books and The Medications from CD Cellar, went to Target, saw "Jarhead," ate Mexican food, made potato salad, worked for a few hours on Sunday, and took 2 long walks (meeting 1. an older woman German tourist who kind of resembled a drag queen, but an vaguely attractive one in a wrinkly, big-hand kind of way, chainsmoking near the Roosevelt Memorial who commented on my dog’s probable German heritage; and 2. a large man on a bicycle who was millimeters away from plunging into the Tidal Basin because of the elaborate and seemingly heavy fishing gear/tackle box/milk crate sculpture attached to his rear fender. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do if he had fallen in. I’m still not certain I have an answer.)

Black Keys on Saturday.

Tomorrow, there is a film screening going down in a Cleveland Park bar. It’s for friends/relations of mine. You should come, or at least email me for info if you are interested and feel like maybe you would like to come, or email me for info and lie and say you will make it if you can and then not show up anyways. It has something to do with cartoons, and Brazilian culture, and maybe Satan???? I’m not really clear on the details, but you should be intrigued by this point.

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In related technology news, I'm developing a program that will immediately place any manipulative emails from your exes into the your junk mail folder, along with an autoreply of an email with an animated .gif of a Mummenshantz guy giving the sender the finger. I'm calling it iThoughtyouknew. – Miles Raymer