Monday, November 07, 2005

I got your letter. Let's just say I don't care for the colour that it paints me

An open letter to my friend’s parents:

As the holiday season approaches, we must prepare ourselves for our single interaction of the year. Please be reminded that all of your children’s friends have aged years, if not decades, and have done many new, compelling and entertaining things. If you must reference our childish actions please make sure to attach the correct actions to the appropriate child.

To Mrs CBCS, specifically, at a recent celebration you recounted a humorous story about your son and his friends and incorrectly included me in the trespass. Though, our relationship is about as adversarial as a mother/friend of son’s could be, I’d appreciate not getting blamed for things I was not a part of.

Below are the things I can/can not take responsibility for in relation to you or your home.

  • I did not break any windows.
  • I did not throw your Yorkie across the room into the wall.
  • I did not hog-tie your daughter with an extension cord and toss her into the front yard.
  • I did not climb through the 2nd floor window to gain access to liquor when your son wasn’t in town.
  • I did not rip the black plastic storm drain extensions out of the front lawn to make a Halloween costume.
  • I did not Stick a Hi. My Name is “Fuckface” sticker on the passenger car door just before you picked up clients.
  • You never hired me to mow the lawn and rake the leaves. Nor did I ever subcontract the job to a young neighbor for half the money.
  • I did not fell a tree at your company’s golf tournament by driving a cart into it.
  • I did not steal your car to go drink in a public park. Nor did I throw up out the passenger window with such force that it blew through the back window onto the upholstery and into the mouth of your unconscious son.

  • I continuously stashed beer under your deck for several years.
  • I used your “hidden” key to hang out at your house after skipping class.
  • I drank beer on your roof and let the empties roll into the neighbor’s lawn.
  • I announced that items in the refrigerator were several years past their expiration date at your annual Christmas party.
  • I stole bottles of wine and beer from the following year’s Christmas party.
  • I declared that anyone who would drop out of my college either came to school with emotional baggage or a mental problem moments before your new husband announced your stepson had dropped out the previous semester, at the following year’s Christmas party.
  • And finally, though you were kind enough to invite me to your second wedding, I repaid the deed by stealing a golf cart and destroying the 18th green and driving so recklessly that the teenage daughter of your Maid of Honor fell out and cut her hands and knees on the cart path. Back at the club house, I stole bottles of booze and cigars from behind the bar, posed your nearly alcohol poisoned son in comical Weekend at Bernie’s-like poses in family pictures, drove him home drunk, put him in your bed when I was to tired to drag him upstairs and didn’t clean up when he vomited on the floor. These actions resulted in your new husband being called in front of his country club’s board and having his membership suspended for 6 months.
If necessary, I can draw up similar lists for you other parents who I will be seeing soon.


Ethan Wiggum said...

This is fantastic. Thank you for brightening my day.

tom said...

God damn. Now that's how you attend a wedding.

What did you get them for a present?

The Governess said...

my favorite is the expired food story, since I witnessed that personally.