it's america; the choice for fun is yours

A random assortment of total crap from the internet/my noggin: Animal Edition

1. I am going to rename next years basketball craze "Martsch Madness" and listen to nothing but Built to Spill from playoffs to the championship

2. Shazaam.

3. I am entering month five of Dental Boycott. I didn’t have a cavity until my twenties, so I’m in denial about the fact that I now have adult teeth with adult enamel, and this big adult responsibility to take care of these adult teeth. Part of the avoidance is my new-ish dentist, a combo of robot and man, who extra-creepily-paranoid wears three sets of gloves (the second/middle pair OVER his shirt cuffs) and puts all gloves on in a weird, OCD kind of way – slowly, methodically, as if he is really really turned on by his gloves. You know he’s a latex guy. My old dentist, now that was a man I was truly in love with. He is a filthy rich Casey Kasem-looking dude with a year-round yacht tan, and he knows me by name, and I once asked him if he could file my incisors into sharp pointy fangs for me but he wouldn't, so that shows he is responsible. All his dentistry involved computer screens similar to "Minority Report." For Christmas one year, my mother bought me teeth filing/bonding to a sweet several hundred dollar tune. The bonding needs repair, and I’m pretty sure I have a full-blown cavity now, instead of just the bad spot Dr. Robot pointed out in July. SO! Do I go to handsome smiley tan Doctor Tim and pay out the ass, or do I go to Dr. R. and just deal???? People, I need your bougie opinions on my cosmetic dentistry, posthaste. PS. Related: sometimes even otters have to go to the dentist. PPS. Dentists are the only people who get angry at you if you give them business.

4. Monkeys have accents!

5. "What’s up, bitch?" in Portegeuse: "Que está acima, cadela?"

6. "Cars are poopy excrement but bikes are BMXellent:" Still waiting on new Bishop Allen album, "Clementines." Apparently We Are Scientists were someone involved/in the studio with them?

7. MANTICORE!!!!!!!!!! How did I miss this????

8. The dog's last class in "obedience school" is tonight. Here's to hoping they give them all tiny paper graduation hats with tassels to wear. There is very little funnier than an animal wearing a hat, except for maybe a pudgy kid falling off a bike or my 85 year old aunt talking about clones, but I think we've covered that.

9. Listen, if J. Hopper ever wants to, you know, hang in the Nats Cap and go see a pony show and get popsicles or whatever afterwards, may I totally extend the formal invitation now.

10. I just wanted to make it to 10. That's all. Wait! Is Bush on TV right now????????? Do I care? Is there more stuff to look at on the Internets instead? The answer is yes. Top 10 Songs that Rhyme "Bacardi" with "Party." Or, 100 Notable of 05.