Wednesday, May 25, 2005

You've Got Meme

Our turn.

Maybe I should turn this whole project into "Meme's I never participated in but now I feel guilty about it because now I really do want to know what Lord of the Rings character I am?"

Also, to note- I wasn't an English Major. Neither was the Nabob. Nor the Duchess.

Ahem. That means there's one left. LJG, git yer gun.

The list of stuff I've read and hate would be much, much longer and more interesting. (Heart of Crapping Darkness, I'm looking at you. Making 17 year old girls read Conrad is akin to some sort of crazy punishment involving sharpened bamboo and drinking your own urine. I don't exactly know what, but I'll let yr imagination run wild.)

For the most part, I read everything that was assigned to me, because I like to read. Even the excrucitating stuff. I'm really trying to stick with stuff that every other person in America who can tie their own shoelaces has probably heard of. I'm not going to let on how guilty I feel about not reading Camus' The Plague a second time to fully absorb his existentialist thought process. (I mean, I read AS Byatt's "Tower of Babel" three times. Beat that, uppity motherfuckers!)

Here goes.

"You are a Worthless Fake for not Having Read These Books, but It Doesn't Seem to Have Affected Your Life in Any Particular Manner."

1. Pride and Prejudice. I even wrote an 5 page paper on it my senior year, that's the power of bullshit, my friends. I half-read it? maybe? right before I quit reading anything assigned to tackle a Faulkner project that almost devoured my soul. My teacher didn't seem to mind much. Also, in my senior year English class, I sat behind these guys Jon and Kevin who every so often would turn around, hold my arms down, and then staple my hair to the back wall when the teacher wasn't looking. Quick and silent, like ninjas they were. Hindsight, it was hilarious, and I always looked like I was sitting at total attention. Then Jon ending up marrying my best friend. See how quickly I went from Jane Austen to ninjas? Exactly.

2. Brave New World. Doesn't everyone in high school have to read this? I think so. As whats-his-name in the whats-his-name movie says, "Aldous Huxtable!"

3. Moby Dick. How many people are going to have this on their list? My guess numbers in the thousands. "Call me I DON'T CARE."

4. Dune. I know this one doesn't make much sense, but I mercilessly tease LJG about her love for "Dune." It makes me feel I should at least have some background for my constant bad jokes.

5. Richard III. Shakespeare. I really don't have anything to say about that, except for the fact that I didn't read it, and yet I feel I should have.

6. Kavalier & Clay. As previously referred to. I pretend like I've read this one ALL THE TIME, but I haven't.

(sidenotes: 1. the next person who tells me to read The Time Travelers Wife will get such a swift kick to the groin, it will amaze and astound you. I accidentally read that book when I was on a business trip. Which is why I've decided to consider gouging my eyes out. Audrey Author-person, I want MY time back. Lots of my friends rave about your book, so it's okay if there's one American woman not willing to find yr story about 2 completely insufferable people romantic and cute and stuff. 2. If you want an awesome book reccomendation, I suggest you pick this up. It's kind of about giraffes! And it's made me laugh out loud several times in the past few days, which is hard. (I'm suggesting to VH1 they really consider programming for next season a little spinoff I like to call "Shittiest Week Ever." I'm more than willing to host, if my FER-SURE-AWESOME FUTURE BOOK DEAL! falls through. This past week has been so, so bad.)

Might I end all this by saying the last English class I took was "Modern American Literature", like a decade ago, and all I read in that class was an assload of Joyce Carole Oates.

Oh man, this was a boring entry. I could've done better. Sorry, guys.


Lady Jane Grey said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lady Jane Grey said...

Okay, see, this isn't a boring entry. THIS IS FUN!

The sad part? I'm reading The Plague right now. Shame, thy name is Lady Jane Grey. Pair that with a book about the Jungian perspective on love and attachment, and ... I'm pretty much ready to throw myself off a bridge and/or partake in some seriously regressive behaviors to balance it all out.

I have not read Kavalier and Clay. G, maybe we can go to my parent's pool and read it simultaneously while wearing cool-ass Foster Grants.

Good to see you're wise enough to include Dune in the cannon. Don't ever step to Dune.

(Anyone want to start a book club??)

GC (God's Child) said...

oh my god, I laughed, I cried. Your post was hilarious. Former English major here--I suffered too. Thank you for speaking out on behalf of those who suffer.

the Nabob said...


The Nabob will steer clear, as the rest of the Pygmalions mock his love for books with descriptions like "Cabeza de Vaca's account of their travels is unparalleled source of firsthand information on the pre-European Southwest - the variety of climate, its flora and fauna, the customs of its natives. This book contains the first description on literature of a West Indies hurricane."

The first description, ladies, the first.

The Governess said...

I simply cannot comprehend how one reads books on Persian Oil Crises in the 1700s, and such.

Motor coach rides with nothing but your literature to distract me, my love, are hell.

The Governess said...

oops. am i supposed to "tag" someone?

I tag CPMC.

LJG has some theories on their list.