1. On Saturday morning, after cheerfully announcing that I had not played a game of softball since I was 11, I deftly turned a double play. Maybe not deftly.
I accidentally turned a double play.
2. Regarding Saturday night, wherein a small surprise party occurred at my habitat, which can barely hold 5 people comfortably, let alone a small group of 30 or 40. Dear neighbors, I hope we’re still cool. I know that crowd of twenty n’ thirty n’ fifty-somethings bedecked in flat-front khakis invaded your row of townhomes, and that can be overwhelming. You may have noticed, however, I was thoughtful enough to ask them to park elsewhere and walk, in the rain, to save you your coveted parking spaces. Your home probably still smells like potato salad, since it’s still wafting in and out of our own living room, and I’m sorry people stayed until the wee hours blaring the Sci Fi channel in my basement. Giant magnums of champagne set strategically/anonymously on your doorstep will soon follow as an apology; for some reason, people take us for champagne drinkers. At last count, we have 14 bottles of champagne, accumulated since December. We may start putting them in random baby carriages, or setting them a-fire and floating them down the river. Life always looks cheerier after a Viking funeral.
Neighbors! Especially Neighbor Who is President Of the Housing Association! We were planning on being outside, and less noisy. I swear. But with the Zeus-ing and the thundering and the raining, it got mad complicated. The teacher-to-average-cubical-worker ratio was high, so there was a lot of yelling, since that’s what teachers tend to do really well. We know, the walls are thin and CSI re-runs were on and white people love CSI.
FYI, there were several lovely surprises that came from The Littlest Shindig:
- One: my friends can actually cook now, which borders on miraculous. The amount of food leftover at my house is epic, we spent all day yesterday eating and eating and eating and watching Simpsons DVDs and eating. I will have scrumptious lunches for the next 2 weeks, or until stuff starts rotting.
- Two: I discovered after years of thinking the opposite, I like people! For the most part, anyways. Well, at least people who know MY people. (The general public is still questionable.)
- Three: I wore a really funny necklace that kind of made me look like I was hosting a seventies swinger party.
- Four: The grill still worked despite the deluge, and so we made all-beef hotdogs, something most people in our Hot Dog Demographic haven’t ingested since the other Bush administration. No one eats meat anymore. They were tasty. (Commence jokes re: hot dog eating. C'mon. You know you want to.)
Congratulations Guest of Honor, on all those crazyass degrees you just earned. You make us proud all the time, and we actually love you tons, too. Even though originally we only kept you around to up our group IQ to an acceptable level. I like it when members of my little social family unit ACCOMPLISH.
3. Has anyone ever been to a store called Kohl’s? Why, exactly, does it exist? I have a now 3-year-old gift certificate (? ? ? [don’t question it] ? ? ?) there, and I’m curious.
EDIT: My only option appears to be Daisy Fuente's flipflops ??????? ?????????? ??????? ????????? ????
4. Hey you, Patrick Dempsey: When did you become a sex symbol? I’m curious, because it’s like I turned around and bam, you aren’t driving a riding lawn mower anymore, and girls are throwing undies at yr face. Congrats!