mostly minor things requiring discussion/comment:
1. The hells. I think there is some sort of tracking device/camera (????) in the womens bathroom. I have never noticed it before, but I was kind of hanging out preening (see: #4), and I heard a weird clicking noise, and I looked up to the far corner?????? Already, the bathroom requires a v. special passcode & an iris scan, I assume so construction workers or the guy who resembles Pat Morita who hangs out on the corner talking to his hand won’t come in and set up camp, and us VIPs can whizz in peace, but I am curious: now, who is watching me? Is it just some sort of fancy air freshener, and I am two skips from Conspiracy Newsletter Blvd?
2. Out of the 3 days so far this week I have decided to come to work, I have been late: oh, 3 mornings. I am amazed at how people such as myself remain employed. I mean, it’s not like I’m getting drunk at work and then falling asleep at my desk and peeing my ergo chair and then getting fired* (hi, Jen!), but still.
3. The absolute, hands-down, funnies thing to watch, ever, is a dog jumping on my mom because she flips out. Not in a I’m-scared-of-dogs-way, but just in a way that she knows the little filthy bastard just got paw prints on her jacquard blazer and HELL NO. Etc.
4. My hair is ridiculous. I’ve been feeling really, really mean about it lately, too. The whole hair situation is a leading cause of my most recent project, a scathing expose temporarily titled "DC: How One City Can Produce Both Dag Nasty and Capitol File Magazine. Also, Some Rantings About Feminism and Capitalism, Thrown In There Somewhere."
Just you wait. Seriously, I've been scanning shit.
5. My brother’s girlfriend, who is pretty and exceptionally smart and stylish and can cure leprosy is coming to stay the night at our house while she attends a Mensa convention or something. Considering we have recently taken to constructing dolls out of doghair and conducting puppet shows on our basement altar of cruelty, I’m a little tense. Seriously. We own two vacuum cleaners, and I couldn’t tell you where either of them are right now. Unless they are being used to hold up bookshelves or something. I think I ate dinner** last night on the ironing board. She deserves so much better.
6. What not to suggest for a bachelorette party if you ever want to be taken seriously again: putt-putt.
** OH! And completely off topic, which, let’s level: is always- we bought the best salad dressing ever recently. I’ve been putting it on everything. Maybe even a sugar free grape popsicle, or what we refer to as “dinner” in our house.