After some extensive research, I have discovered that the two most important ingredients for a proper Viking funeral are a boat and fire. My history as a reckless American boy with matches and a blowtorch demonstrates that I will have no problem with the latter. But where are we going to get a Viking boat? Besides calling Fred Smoot!
(DAMN! I DIDN’T JUST GO THERE DID I? ONTERIO SMITH’S WHIZZINATOR! MIKE TICE’S SCALPING HIS SUPER BOWL TICKETS! IT’S JUST TOO EASY!)
Anyway, back to Viking boat. I first tried Toy’s ‘R’ Us hoping that at the very least they’d have a plastic model I could build and get high off the glue. But they barely sell models anymore, especially boat models and specifically flammable Viking ships. They do sell The Simpsons Boxed Set #2: Ironic Punishment, for some reason, and the Star Wars CUSTOMS Darth Vader Imperial Chopper, which is just a damn shame on every level. They do have RC boats for around 50 bucks but they seemed too expensive and poisonous to burn in an open water supply. I even started down the Barbie aisle in the hopes they had a Dreamboat but that part of the store is so pink it was overwhelming. I can’t even handle the pinkness of the Victoria Secret’s at Tyson’s and according to local news reports they have mannequins in sexually provocative and ungodly poses.
Leaving the R’us empty handed, I considered driving to that high end toy store near my old place, called Der Spielzeugpalast der Kinder or something, that only sells doll houses and carved wooden ducks made in Denmark. But again I was worried about the cost of destroying of an exact oaken replica of the Lusitania, the one with brass inlays around the smokestacks. I also considered going to the Home Despot and buying a huge block of wood and carving a little boat myself. But I doubt this was something I could accomplish in one attempt, with one railroad tie, in one weekend. Starting today, I could possibly finish it by our 3rd anniversary but this cake needs to die now.
Fortunately, there in the shopping center complex was a store called AC Moore: Arts Armageddon and Crafts Revolution. I’d never been inside one but I know it’s where family members went when our dog ate my cousin’s new Christmas present dollhouse. If they sell tiny roll top desks, maybe they sell tiny boats. Unfortunately, they don’t. But fortunately for a high powered corporate executive who thinks outside the box like myself, they do sell unfinished wooden birdhouses. Bingo.
But will it float?
Jackpot. Ladies and Gentleman, let's break out the tools. Project Viking Cake is underway.