Ms. Rice doesnt even own an umbrella as her hair is coated with Armor All

Sensing that the new State Department rules concerning international travel would clog the passport system to such a degree that they'd even force George Schultz to come in to help sort applications, I did the clever thing and applied for a renewal in 1999. It took 7 years of pining, but in 2006 I finally got my paperwork and was able to take that trip to Niagara Falls to visit my summer girlfriend from 7th grade. Love knows no torture like international Canadian love torture.



But if you weren’t smart like me, you now have to stand in line for hours in the July Fiendfyre and miss your honeymoon, if you want a valid passport. On the plus side, however, the security guards will give you an umbrella to block the blistering sun, which totally makes up for any inconvenience.* I hear Mr. Schultz, himself, made the donation.


*Apparently, though, you don’t get an umbrella if you look like Dale Earnhardt and wear jorts, like the guy on the right. You have to face the sun’s and Condi’s wrath out in the open.