An update to below:
One, I am currently in Atlanta. It is 7 pm, and I left the house at 5:45 AM. I have actually gone BACKWARDS, seeing as at one point today, I was in Memphis.
Two, my baggage has been eaten by goats in Guam.
Three, in Memphis, I saw a group of French tourists about my parents age. There were 6 or 7 of them, and each of them was wearing a ten gallon hat, boots, new jeans, and sparkly western style cowboy shirts with fringe and sequins. Except for one guy, who was wearing a Johnny Walker Red teeshirt so new the creases were still in it. I think they were coming in from San Antonio. They were, and probably still are, awesome.
Three, there was massive turbulence on the tiny local jet from Memphis to ATL. The dad next to me (coming home from Cancun with his kids) grabbed my arm and then apologized. He doesn't like flying. His son gave his daughter $10 just not to "steal my window seat while I'm in the bathroom."
Four, once in Atlanta, I sat down at the laptop hub and the guy next to me immediately began screaming into his cell phone. After a few minutes, and using the context clues ("but you're MY FUCKING WIFE and we DID THIS FOR A REASON"), I determined he was fighting with his spouse. 2 minutes later, and she told him she was moving out and asked for a divorce. It was a loud enough conversation to hear both sides clearly, and he also repeated every word she said in disbelief, but I still can't figure out who's to blame.
Five, I cannot BELIEVE there are still dirty dishes all over the kitchen at home.
Six, a rowdy group of dude just let out the biggest cheers/chest bump fracas ever, upon finding out their flight to JFK was boarding. There was applause.
I don't leave here for another 2 or 3 hours. I hope to make it to Vegas by midnight, which will then technically be tomorrow. My coworkers called, they're drinking and although I like them, are assholes.