You should also probably stop eating all those Polly Pocket figurines

For boys who played with dolls/action figures, the toy’s accompanying accessories were often as important as the character itself, with the GI Joe figure “Law” being a perfect example. Normally, he would have been a boring old MP who walked around with a white helmet, a black leash, a black Uzi, a black nightstick. Yawn. But what launched Law into the Detective Elliot Stabler spheres of acceptable police brutality was that he came with his own German Shepherd named “Order” who I assume was bred to attack groins first and ask questions later.

I would have assumed that things were similar for girls and their dolls. I seem to remember that the D’s My Little Ponies came with brushes and her Cabbage Patch came with an elaborate back story and forged Chinese birth certificate. Sure, I would have gone with the tiny M-60, but that’s why I don’t work in the young girl’s swallow-able plastic toy industry.

I haven’t had much exposure to children’s toys in the last 20 odd years, especially to little girl dolls, so I was a bit unsure of what it took to market them to America’s sophisticated youth. But thanks to the Chinese and their recall triggering love for lead paint we got to find out today.

It turns out that if you’re not buying your daughter the Dog Walking Barbie* that comes with a golden retriever that poops easily ingested brown magnets which can cause infection and other internal hazards, then you might as well not be buying your daughter anything at all. But if you have already bought the pooping dog Barbie, then you need to take it back to KB Toys, because it may be dangerous, especially if you child also somehow manages to swallow the 4-inch magnetic pooper scooper.



I commend Mattel for attempting to teach our youth that it is important to clean up after their pets, even if it comes at the price of poisoning their insides. As Uncle Ben said, “With great dog ownership comes great dog responsibility.” Now, if I could somehow get our dog to swallow little magnets so I could just pick up his poop with a metal stick, my life would be perfect.

*While searching for a picture of Barbie and Tanner I found that Toys ‘R’ US, Walmart and Amazon have already pulled the toy from their sites. Fortunately, Target will still allow you to poison your children.

Update: Now Target's is gone too.