Thursday, August 02, 2007

Highway Yobbery

We’re off to a wedding. In England. And then maybe other stuff if I don’t kill us by driving on the wrong side of the road. Three things before we part, possibly forever.

1. I consider myself knowledgeable on English weddings because I’ve seen 6 of them on TV - two of them were real and featured Prince Charles’s and four of them were fake but starred Hugh Grant. But it may not be exactly how I imagine since half of the people getting married are from India and we expect some new traditions, perhaps a chuppa? In my head this will be much like the episode of The Office were they all go to Kelly’s Diwali with the added excitement of seeing women in huge hats featuring crazy shit sticking out of them. Neither the G nor the D have bought their huge hats with crazy shit sticking out them in the hope that people will think they are unfashionable British wedding goers and not lazy Americans who couldn’t be bother to buy at hat at Target and crazy shit to put on it from Pier One.

2. Although I am an expert in English marriage traditions, I am less knowledgeable in their justice system. It seems that their police departments have developed a technology that can calculate how much crime is being committed by each citizen. In one case, this “yob” was responsible for 40% of the police’s time. Impressive as this is, though, it pales to this 12-year-old who has committed 85% of town’s crime.

We are about to take off, so could somebody call the town constabulary in Worplesdon, Guildford and alert them that I am planning on being responsible for 100% of the drunk and disorderly charges in their sleepy hamlet on Saturday night? Thanks.

3. Yobbery. I assume there is American slang that the British think is as hi-larious as I think theirs is. I’ll let you know on the 13th.

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