Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Jasper Buckleman

Awaking to Saturday’s rime attack was probably not the ideal way to start Easter weekend especially if your fiancé has somehow convinced you into getting your wedding pictures taken on a baseball diamond in the snow and the cold and in your ivory dress with no sleeves and also in the mud. But he’ll be wearing a warm woolen tux and his Nat’s baseball cap, for some reason, to keep the warmth from escaping through his head so it’s all good in or within 2 miles of the hood.

Actually, that does look kind of pretty. But, dude, lose the cap. Yankees or Red Sox, maybe, but not the Nats.

Anyway, the snow was toothpaste-spit-take surprising on Saturday morning but it looked picture perfect on the local tulips and daffodils while walking the dog. And since I had only seen the cherry blossoms this spring while driving past them with my middle finger extended toward the tourist who were slowing my roll, I figured 7:30am and covered in snow was as good as time as any.

I made two mistakes, though. The first was not wearing socks and almost losing a toe. The second was assuming that white flowers covered in white snow would look any different than white flowers not covered in snow. In the blackest crannies of childhood memory I believed cherry blossoms to be as pink as an Electric Youth perfume bottle. Not so – cherry blossoms during a winter sneak attack are white on white with red buds and kind of boring.

The dog and I dragged each other around for another 45 minutes – him to look at ducks, me to look GW women’s crew team – before wandering over the FDR Memorial. I thought it would be fun to get BD to pose next to Fala but it turns out that a giant metal Scottie is another thing our worthless dog is terrified of.

The growing list:

Bears and wild pigs* (which he was bred to hunt and why he was kicked out of West Virginia)
Hardwood floors
4 penned baby lambs at a Scottish festival**
Jim Moran*
Revolutionary War Recreations
The painting of a Mr. Peanut looking butler that adorns a dry cleaners near our house

In the end, the best I could do is get him to pose for about half a second in the bread line. Times were especially tough for Brown Dogs during the Depression.

Except for Sandy***. That dog had some crazy-assed adventures.



I got one complaint. A couple years back, Brach’s or some similar candy company tried to dump some excess corn syrup on the masses by dying their candy corn in pastel colors. As fat Americans, we should not stand for this. Candy corn is for Halloween and Halloween only and Easter candy corn should not tolerated.

*Things that I find acceptable
**Things I find wildly unacceptable
*** Did know that the onomatopoeia 'arf' originated with Little Orphan Annie's dog Sandy?****

****me: (trying to get noodle out the spelling of onomatopoeia) what are those words called that sound like actions?
Governess: batman words?

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