Monday, October 03, 2005

Taking a bite into crime

Our return from the dumb bar late Friday night was greeted with a very nice Alexandria police officer shining her flashlight into our basement window. Someones had burglarized two of our neighbors and made off with the a purse, wallet and an assortment of belt-worn electronics. The crooks tossed the purse in the bushes after relieving it of it's valuables and the cops were searching along the fence lines and bushes for any other scoundreled jetsam.

Since I was already out walking the dog, I offered his services in case they had some sort of clue he could sniff, hopefully a comically ripped pair of pants. She said they had their own K9 unit and wouldn't require our assistance. Turns out, though, the city's dog had the night off, and the mutt never showed. So they missed their chance on having my dog smell the purse, attempt to eat the tissues inside and then unproductively run off after a squirrel. (This is the second time recently where I've offered help to the municipal services only to be told to stand back and let the pros do their work. In all honesty though, I don't know what I could have done to help the fire department extinguish a huge flaming car, one that got so hot all the tires exploded. But, I felt so worthless standing there watching it burn that I somehow needed to justify my gawking.)

"No thanks. Just make sure to lock your doors," she said in her best McGruff voice.

But I have a theory. The transcript of my IM with the Governess...

Nabob: First, the bad guy had to know that doors would be unlocked. Also, L and P both own dogs who bark a whole bunch. So this desperado had to know the dogs in order to keep them quite. (Or have a bunch of hot dog links in his pocket.) So the miscreant had to know these girls. Last week, I heard L mention to P that some guy in the neighborhood was not getting her hints about wanting their relationship to be over. I think the guy was M, who we saw walking his dog last night. Notice how quick he was to bring up the robbery? That's called a guilty conscience. And how he said he saw other random people walking around recently? And how quick he was to blame outsiders? It's a classic head fake. it may have worked on the popo but not on me. I think he left a message on her cell phone he didn't want L to hear. So he broke into her house and stole the phone. Then he broke into L's house to make it appear like a crime wave. I'm calling the fuzz now.

Governess: You're an idiot. Please don't call the police.

N: I won't really. They can't see in the shades of grey that I do. Plus, I have less than zero evidence.

G: Next time you see the girls, try and figure out a non-creepy or accusatory way to approach it.

N: That’s a no-can-do. I'm doing this ham-fisted, like I do everything else.

G: Of course you will.

I'm actually proud of the G. for not calling me out on the references to being ham-fisted and someone having hot dogs in their pants. But she's super classy.

Stay tuned.

4 comments:

The Governess said...

I appreciate how you take MY joke for yourself in the guise of "keeping me on a higher moral level." Pshaw, brutha PLEASE.

tom said...

Ham-fisted accusations would be inappropriate. An elaborate plot to entrap the culprit, on the other hand...

If I were you, I'd start digging a pit in my lawn right now (to later be covered with leaves). I'm just sayin'.

The Governess said...

tom, hush. He will ensare me or the dog, and I am due for a nice compound fracture.

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