In Your Talons

Last night I was again accused of making things up by AM, even though I have proven time and time again that my tales are non-fiction. But today something incredible happened that even I wouldn’t believe unless I was shown the photographic proof. Fortunately, I carry a camera in my purse with my tissues and butterscotch candies.

Around 11:30 I was sitting in my car waiting for my turn in the car wash. Suddenly, a cute little sparrow landed on the hood and initiated an avian staring contest. But when it became clear that I was not going to be the first blinker, it got all huffy and started pecking the fuck out of the paint.

“Uhhh bird? What are you doing!!??!

I revved the engine but it did not flinch. I honked the horn. It looked up, bounced two baby bird steps toward the windshield and went back to pecking.

“Seriously!!! Bird, what’s the deal?”

I laid on the horn. It looked up again, gave me with of those quick birdlike head turns and gave me the stink eye. That’s when I died a little bit today. My insides turned black from a cocktail of pity, terror and the Five Guys I had for lunch.

Click along if you want to be majorly groaded out. And only if you are willing to sign a pledge that you will never walk around Falls Church without a Marine issued zombie neutralizing weapon.

I'm ready.

The way this thing was acting at first led me to believe it may have rabies. But I don’t think birds can get rabies. Also, I don’t think rabies makes the top of your head fall off and exposes your brain or makes you hang out at a Jiffy Lube attacking cars.

I can’t imagine what happened to this poor thing to turn it into the flying dead. It only fluttered off after I accelerated quickly and slammed on the brakes, causing it to lose its balance. That came to me after remembering that I don’t have great balance when water gets trapped in my ear.



I figured not having some of your brain would have the same effect.

Good lord, no more.