Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Seriously, Des Moinoids?

Attention the entire state of Iowa: if you announce that your state’s most attractive Olympic athlete’s likeness is going to be sculpted in ice at your state fair, don’t make that effigy impossible to locate. The best I could find was this tiny out-of-focus thing. I can’t see ice abs in that picture. I want a Snoopy sno-cone made from Lolo Jones and I want it now.

(Whatever you do, don’t go look up Lolo Jones website because it’ll make you crazy. The song Whatever Lola Wants plays constantly and you can’t turn it off. And it’s designed in a way that only evokes frustration from creepy dudes looking for Lolo Jones pictures. (Not me))

The lack of real news photos of the ice sculptures meant I spent the day looking at other peoples’ flickr pictures from the state fair. Was it the fried awesome on a stick?


- The name of my new band? IPT. But my “I” will probably stand for International so it can be more ironically un-ironic.

- Is “kebab” too foreign sounding? The government should really shut down those restaurants like Moby Dick and their "terrorist salads."

- Make room for Beer Dog. Or as the G sez, “This is that commercial with the beer horse and the get-you-n-shape dog that comes and gets horses in shape with Rocky music.”

You mean a trainer?

“No. A get-in-shape coach.”

- Granted Lolo Jones is the second most famous Olympic Des Moinians*, but pictures of this stupid Shawn Jones butter statue are everywhere. Again, I want to break off pieces of ice Lolo Jones and make mojitos. And I refuse to be part of any innuendo involving Shawn Johnson and butter.

*There was some debate over the correct term to describe someone from Des Moines. My native Iowan father said Des Moiner. My numbskull cousin (who lives in Des Moines) said Des Moinoid. So I called the Des Moines Chamber of Commerce and the Bureau of Tourism. They both said the correct term was Des Moinian

They also added that they city is planning to build statues of Lolo Jones and Shawn Johnson for their Iowa Hall of Pride. But neither will be made of ice.

So I still can’t feed chips of frozen Lolo to women in labor?

Dang it.

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