Tuesday, January 15, 2008

This will be Czarniak-free post

In what may become a new family tradition, The D and I rambled over to the Channel 4 Health Expo at the convention center on Saturday in order to celebrate everything that is Channel 4 and causes strokes. I’ve secretly wanted to go since I was 10 because all the commercials showed people my age playing some ridiculous new sport like indoor rock climbing or walking. But just like a hilarious joke I read today for the first time ever on some college dude’s shirt, I got older while the games stayed the same age. We were denied entrance to every semi-fun event. It left us with little to do but walk around, try to score the best free stuff and volunteer to have our bone marrow sucked out of our hips with giant gauged needles.

1. Highlights include a comic book too poorly designed to be included in Highlights. Zing!

Contrary to what I hoped when I picked this up, Seizure Man’s power has nothing to do with causing his seizures in his enemies. Instead, he prevents them in complete strangers he sees collapsed on the playground surrounded by their do-nothing classmates. Actually, he doesn’t even prevent them; he just makes you comfortable while you’re having one. Also, he can fly. And it’s unclear if he actually has any enemies but if he did I’d have to go with Japanese cartoons or the guy who sells cheap strobe lights at Radio Shack and asks if you want Monster cables with that.

And, conversely to everything my 7th grade gym teacher taught us in state mandated health class, you should never put anything in the mouth of someone who’s seizing in order to prevent them from swallowing their tongue. This is because (which seems obvious know that I’ve thought about it) it’s not physically possible to swallow your tongue.

2. It was also impossibly dry on the Health Expo floor. But there was only one working water fountain and it had a line and was poorly motion controlled. The Expo Center got in the healthy spirit by selling water at a healthy $2.75 per tiny bottle. Fortunately, there was a guy giving out free DTV water bottles. Unfortunately, you had to stand in a long line and spin a magic wheel to win one. During the 10 minutes while we waited, nobody won the grand prize water bottle since its slice of the wheel took up only 1/50th of the total pie. People were begging the booths operator for water but he didn’t budge. Most folks got crappy pens or Post-it notes reminding them that their over-the-air TV signal was going dead on February 17, 2009 because they live in the 50’s or Montana.

It should be obvious where this story is going. Of course, I won the water bottle because I watch so much Price Is Right. But, I also yelled an excitable yet perverse exclamation that resulted dirty looks from all surrounding parents and invitation to excuse ourselves from the floor.

3. Just about the only activity designed for children that they let us take part in was the sobriety walk simulator. Basically, it was a pair of goggles that distorts your vision, designed to show teenagers the effects of alcohol. It was fun watching the kids stumble around after two fake beers. It was also fun watching me nearly knock several people over when I tried on the pair that supposedly equaled 4 beers per hour, plus two Goldschl├Ąger shots right before you leave the bar.

The D tried on the same goggles but with less hilarious results. Because her legs are so long she covered the course in 3 strides. It took me 8 stuttering lunges.

OK, this is much longer than I intended it to be, so I’ll wrap it for today.

One more tomorrow.

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