Of late, I’ve had a two 2 gig flash drives “walk off” and one 1 gig stop working. The latter was being recognized by fewer computers so I’d recently taken most of the valuable info (a list of Scrablulous bingoes) off. But the first two had some important quality stuff (a work-in-progress lite erotica novel about a group of time-traveling teenage wolfmen/women who solve crimes in a parallel dimension where Howie Mandell was never born) on them and I was not happy with their casual disappearance. Something had to be done. Something that would insure there’s no confusion over the drive’s owner and any future vanishing would quickly escalate from a misdemeanor concerning property to a tragic felony of the heart.
This entire issue would have been solved with one of those chains banks use to chain pens to desks. But they don’t sell these at CVS or Walgreens. And for some reason I couldn’t manage to steal one from my bank. Fortunately though, Walgreens has just started stocking WWE action figures. It seemed the next best thing.
So with a pair of pliers and snips, a metal file, a little bit of glue and electrical tape and some Alaskan ingenuity, I am the proud owner of a brand new The Miz flashdrive.
A few things to note:
There was a brief time in the last five years when I was irrationally obsessed with one of the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. I am refusing to look up an actual tick-tock of what has happened between then in now, so I can only assume that the guy who called himself The Miz on that show has somehow managed to become a pro wrestler.
His gimmick seems to be having Cameron Diaz’s hair from Something About Mary and Tim Kaine’s eyebrows from every day ever.
If you exclude the giant pecs but include the absurd delts, he looks like my brother-in-law.
An added bonus is that the plastic torso is of such a cheap quality, the original orange light from the flash drive can be seen glowing in his chest like E.T. Even better, when the drive is thinking about stuff, it pulsates slowly like a heartburn sufferer in a Pepcid AC commercial.
I’ve already been entranced several times today by its hypnotic throbbing glow.
Finally, at 2 gigs, my calculations show that my The Miz half-toy has a greater memory capacity than The Miz himself.