hey spud

I can’t bend my pinkie for some reason. And my thigh feels like it was subject to some sort of Endorian-style attack with a log or rocks. But it’s that satisfying good kind of pain, the sort that’s the result of playing full contact football or being hit with rocks.

My back, however, is a different story. The entire area south my shoulder blades and north of my waist has been incredibly tight and achy for the last week. Lying down, stretching, yoga and massage all do nothing. You’d think I’d been carrying a 10lbs sack of potatoes around every night for the last two weeks. A SACK OF POTATOES THAT WON’T SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP LIKE A GOOD SACK OF POTATOES!!

And speaking of potatoes, imagine you had one that grew a little an eye on it. Not a real eyeball like an 80’s horror movie but one of those potato eyes that sprout when they hang out on the shelf too long. Now say you took care of that potato and made sure it was clean and warm and didn’t fall into buckets left in the back yard since potatoes can drown in less than one inch of water.

But then, two weeks after you brought the potato home from the store, the eye fell off in a perfectly normal and expected fashion. All the books on potato care say you can just throw the eye away or flush it down the toilet.

My question is: can I feed the eye to the dog? Just throwing it away seems unceremonious. And it’s no worse than the other junk he eats during his dog life – like some sort of potato jerky – and its not like his breath could get any worse. I feel like the potato and the dog would have a life long bond.

My only concern is that the dog develops a taste for potato. That wouldn’t be good.