Gordon

Of all the expensive furniture (Ikea) we’ve bought since moving in 4.5 years ago, the most valuable of all has turned out to be that stupid exercise ball that previously did nothing but get in the way. It has suddenly become invaluable and if I could turn all the sofa’s and chairs into inflatable, ab-maxing rubber balls, I would. Somebody sure loves that bouncy nonsense.

I was trying to bounce and read a magazine with one handed in the basement last night when something small and dart-y caught my eye. It was small and skirted along the baseboard, pausing for 3 or 4 seconds before moving on. Damnit. With all the rain we’ve been having and all the blogs I’ve been reading I’m not surprised that we have insects in the basement. But I’m certainly not happy about it.

The occasional spider in the bathtub is fine. But I hate bugs that only come out when they think no one’s looking. A cricket that jumped on my face one night at the G’s old apartment was one of the reasons I didn’t like spending the night there. That and she lived in a part of Virginia that had a 540 area code.

We were very quiet and un-fussy bouncing on our little rubber ball so my instinct to spring up and squish it were suppressed. We just sat there and I tried to kill it with my laser eye vision. But as I stared, I started to question my snap assumption that this was, in fact, an insect. It wasn’t at all blattoid in its movements and seemed to have a confidence that that wasn’t betrayed by frantic, kitchen light-fearing scurrying.

I’ll be damned.

When my hands were finally free, I got up and discovered we do not a have roach or silverfish problem. No we don’t.

WE HAVE A FRAKKING REPTILE PROBLEM! THERE ARE GECKOS LIVING IN OUR BASEMENT!!!1 GECCCKKKKOOOOOOSSS!!!!!!



But geckos aren’t native to Virginia, you say. Neither are snakehead fish. But that won’t stop them from nom-nomming on you pets when you take them down to play in the Potomac. In fact, according to the internets, your common house gecko immigrated from Asia and are quite common throughout the southern United States and Philadelphia, for some reason. Now Alexandria, Virginia too.



I mentioned to the G a few weeks back that I saw what I thought was a salamander near a storm drain at the end of the block. Salamanders make sense, seeing that they are native to the area. But geckos? In our basement? Come on. I caught the little feller under a glass (which triggered his defense mechanism and caused his tail to fall off) and tossed him outside. It’ll probably mate with that thing I saw in the storm drain and then we’ll have an Arachnophobia-style problem on our hands.

But at least they aren’t roaches. And they eat probably eat roaches.

I went out and bought some Chinese needle snakes, anyway, since they love eating geckos. And in a few more days, I’m gonna get me some of those gorillas that thrive on snake meat. And come winter, the gorillas will just freeze to death.

Problem solved.