Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Driving Under Teh Influence

My favorite X-Files episode is the one about the 3 inbred Peacock brothers who keep a limbless Mother Peacock alive under a bed to ensure their incestuous Peacock line. It was so terrifying that Fox only aired it twice and the second time featured major parental warnings due to frakked-up content.

My second favorite is Drive, the one where Malcolm in the Middle’s dad has to keep moving in a westerly direction in a paneled station wagon or his brains will blow out his ear. Or:

"Police arrest a man driving dangerously, moments before his wife's ear explodes. Leaving the police station, he kidnaps Mulder and forces him to drive West, whilst
(really?) Scully attempts to prevent him from suffering the same fate."
  • “Driving dangerously”
  • “Wife’s ear explodes”
  • “Suffering”
Yeah. That pretty much sums up our Saturday night.

We now live in a world where sanity is only maintained if our car is in constant motion. Red lights will be run, lanes will be changed unexpectedly, and the longer route will be mapped to make sure we’re traveling at least 40mph at all times.

Seriously, get the fuck out of our way. Our ears are about to explode here and we're going either to crash our car into yours or drive off a bridge. It's in your hands.


Tom said...

What about the washing machine or the dryer? Charles swears it shut him up back in the day.

Tom said...

In order to properly indemnify myself I probably should have said "the top of the washing machine or the dryer".

the g said...

dryer does not work. vacuum cleaner however? glorious invention. we're contemplating going to the vacuum repair shop down the street (yes, one still exists, i know????) and asking if we can just buy a few spare motors.

Tom said...

Buying spare motors seems like a good idea in general.