Here we go.
It was pretty fancy too. With embroidery and shit.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
what to buy for the woman you hate
Holy wows. Did you know that Jane Seymour was designing t-and-a jewelry for Kay? Yikes. "If your heart is open, love will always find it's way in."
Apparently the way in is through your diamond butt.
Apparently the way in is through your diamond butt.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Vegas Roundup #2456
i think last week was my 17th or 20th time in Las Vegas, I've lost count. It will serve you well to know that the most interesting thing that happened there was an IM I had with the DCeiver about "bloggers lounges", my ideas for JMU/LARPing-themed fantasy novels, and the price of Lauren Conrad jersey dresses.
At least my flights were on time and I didn't get stuck in Memphis with a bunch of cowboy-hat wearing Frenchmen this year!
I'm home now. We'll never speak of this again.
At least my flights were on time and I didn't get stuck in Memphis with a bunch of cowboy-hat wearing Frenchmen this year!
I'm home now. We'll never speak of this again.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
terms I am sick of: somali pirates, hipster grifters, teabagginses
Something I just told Amanda: too bad this didn't happen in the autumn, right? Because Halloween in Brooklyn, oh holy god, can you imagine? It would be like Thomas Crowne Affair on the streets, except with bad sharpie tattoos and black pixie wigs.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I'm more of a Scrabble guy, anyways.
A good thing and bad thing happened on the Metro today. The bad happened when I lost my umbrella and got drenched. The good happened when I saw a man in a tri-cornered cap, also drenched, on his way to protest the underhanded way in which the British East India Company attempted to circumvent the importation of black market Dutch tea and the tax that resulted from the trade. Or so I gathered from his incoherent rambling.
Best of all, though, was the realization that as I hustled through Union Station to catch the Metro was that I had magically stumbled into the US Monopoly Championship!
Behold! Weirdos!
I paused for a few seconds to take a picture or two before I realized that watching other people playing Monopoly is as boring as you’d imagine. But it did settle an important argument.
There are three incredible things in the above picture. First, EEEEEP! It’s the real life Monopoly Man with mustache and monocle! Monocle! Second, on the right, is the 2009 Championship trophy featuring. It’s pretty boring, you ask me. Real Baltic Avenue. But on the right is the original trophy for the first Monopoly Championship. It’s got heft. It’s got the Monopoly board etched into it. And most importantly, it’s got the race car on top.
And we all know race car = bad ass.
Best of all, though, was the realization that as I hustled through Union Station to catch the Metro was that I had magically stumbled into the US Monopoly Championship!
Behold! Weirdos!
I paused for a few seconds to take a picture or two before I realized that watching other people playing Monopoly is as boring as you’d imagine. But it did settle an important argument.
There are three incredible things in the above picture. First, EEEEEP! It’s the real life Monopoly Man with mustache and monocle! Monocle! Second, on the right, is the 2009 Championship trophy featuring. It’s pretty boring, you ask me. Real Baltic Avenue. But on the right is the original trophy for the first Monopoly Championship. It’s got heft. It’s got the Monopoly board etched into it. And most importantly, it’s got the race car on top.
And we all know race car = bad ass.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sounds like Eureka? Come on.
Things that make me a good American.
1. I’m lazy
2. I’m fat
3. I don’t know dick about our local elections.
This wouldn’t be a bid deal except we live in Alexandria and our fine city holds a local election about twice a month. I’m not sure if they are special elections or primary elections or city council elections or what. I just know they happen all the time and you never hear about them until the weekend before because about 1000 placards appear in the medians of King Street and the roads leading to the polling place.
Like this weekend. I assume there’s an election tomorrow since these things are everyplace. Or maybe next month. Who knows? There are at least 25 people running for some sort of office in Alexandria but it’s not the first Tuesday in November so who cares? And there are so many of these placards with so many names they become irrelevant because you can’t remember any of them. With two exceptions…
1. Del Pepper – Based on the name, I’m assuming Del is a Southern, overweight Sheriff constantly whipping his bald head with a red handkerchief. In reality, she’s a lady. A fancy lady. She also, as far as I can tell, runs in every election Alexandria holds.
2. This guy.
This is Rich and he’s and independent candidate. As an independent candidate he has no party backing and a limited budget. So limited, in fact, that he can’t afford signs with printing on both sides. That means you have to drive all the way down the street and make a u-turn when you can’t believe you saw a sign with just a picture of some dude’s face and his first name. Or maybe it's his economic status.
Obviously, the point of these sign is to draw attention to the candidate via a 6 second drive-by so that the motorist can make an informed decision when they get to the voting booth. That is why this display, although clearly light-hearted, is incredibly effective. A guy named Rich is running for City Council and the election is May 5. Done. Like I said, I have no clue who else is running because all the other sign blockin' out the scenery and breakin' my mind. It’s wallpaper.
So if I were going to vote next month (which I won’t because voting is for suckers) I’d vote for whats-his-name. The guy on the signs with the face. Looks like Jared from Subway and wants to sync all the city’s red lights. God. What’s his name again? Del Peppers, maybe?
1. I’m lazy
2. I’m fat
3. I don’t know dick about our local elections.
This wouldn’t be a bid deal except we live in Alexandria and our fine city holds a local election about twice a month. I’m not sure if they are special elections or primary elections or city council elections or what. I just know they happen all the time and you never hear about them until the weekend before because about 1000 placards appear in the medians of King Street and the roads leading to the polling place.
Like this weekend. I assume there’s an election tomorrow since these things are everyplace. Or maybe next month. Who knows? There are at least 25 people running for some sort of office in Alexandria but it’s not the first Tuesday in November so who cares? And there are so many of these placards with so many names they become irrelevant because you can’t remember any of them. With two exceptions…
1. Del Pepper – Based on the name, I’m assuming Del is a Southern, overweight Sheriff constantly whipping his bald head with a red handkerchief. In reality, she’s a lady. A fancy lady. She also, as far as I can tell, runs in every election Alexandria holds.
2. This guy.
This is Rich and he’s and independent candidate. As an independent candidate he has no party backing and a limited budget. So limited, in fact, that he can’t afford signs with printing on both sides. That means you have to drive all the way down the street and make a u-turn when you can’t believe you saw a sign with just a picture of some dude’s face and his first name. Or maybe it's his economic status.
Obviously, the point of these sign is to draw attention to the candidate via a 6 second drive-by so that the motorist can make an informed decision when they get to the voting booth. That is why this display, although clearly light-hearted, is incredibly effective. A guy named Rich is running for City Council and the election is May 5. Done. Like I said, I have no clue who else is running because all the other sign blockin' out the scenery and breakin' my mind. It’s wallpaper.
So if I were going to vote next month (which I won’t because voting is for suckers) I’d vote for whats-his-name. The guy on the signs with the face. Looks like Jared from Subway and wants to sync all the city’s red lights. God. What’s his name again? Del Peppers, maybe?
Monday, April 13, 2009
dp
Mattos sent me a link to Dirty Projectors "Stillness is the Move," and it's great for real. For some reason it reminds me of what the Jets could be like today, if Elizabeth got real into funky stuff and helium.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
mj
if you aren't reading my pal mike's listening & talking blog you are missing out on some solid musical musings.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Spoiler Alert: When Ross was in China he started dating some chick
SPOILER ALERT: I’m going to tell someone they can go fuck themselves at the end of this post.
It usually takes me days to write on this stupid blog. For instance, I started the Frank Herzog/State of Play post a month ago. I usually get distracted by old Law and Order re-runs like the one that’s on now about Ice-T busting up a meth lab in a day care center. But right now I’m responding to something I just heard on NPR 2 minutes ago.
They got dozens of complaints yesterday after they reported that Kal Penn is leaving House to work for the Admin now that his character had committed suicide. Folks were upset since they had Tivoed the show and the Penn offing had been ruined before they had a chance to watch. They complained that NPR (see comments)should have prefaced the report with a ******SPOILER ALERT****8***.
That’s wrong. Spoiler alerts expire the moment the television show ends. They are extended as a courtesy by those who have special access to a scripted show’s outcome and could subsequently ruin that for other people. If you choose to record the show to watch later you cannot expect all discussion of that show to be put on hold at your convenience. The only exception is for sporting events or other shows which air live.
Those who still tape shows with analogue recording devices came to this realization about 20 years ago. Currently, DVR saturation is only at 27% in the United States. I would need it to cross into the 60%-70% area before I could accept the type of spoiler alert demands that are currently being requested. If Entertainment Weekly or TV Guide or another one of our television ethics gatekeepers wants to establish a statute of limitations of, say, 3 days before we are allowed to talk about things that have already happened, then I will live with it. Until then, however, I maintain the embargo ends when the credits roll.
In addition, NPR is primarily a news outfit. They report the news. And even though it’s fluffy as shit, Kal Penn moving in to the Old Executive Office Building qualifies as news. Who cares if we have to find out that his character had to kill himself to make that happen. It’s a goddamned TV show.
Bottom line, I have no sympathy for those who get upset when their shows are ruined by public discussion after the show is over.
In fact, those people can go fuck themselves.
(EDIT FROM THE G: WAIT KAL PENN OFFS HIMSELF?????!?!???!?!??!! I hate you so hard.)
It usually takes me days to write on this stupid blog. For instance, I started the Frank Herzog/State of Play post a month ago. I usually get distracted by old Law and Order re-runs like the one that’s on now about Ice-T busting up a meth lab in a day care center. But right now I’m responding to something I just heard on NPR 2 minutes ago.
They got dozens of complaints yesterday after they reported that Kal Penn is leaving House to work for the Admin now that his character had committed suicide. Folks were upset since they had Tivoed the show and the Penn offing had been ruined before they had a chance to watch. They complained that NPR (see comments)should have prefaced the report with a ******SPOILER ALERT****8***.
That’s wrong. Spoiler alerts expire the moment the television show ends. They are extended as a courtesy by those who have special access to a scripted show’s outcome and could subsequently ruin that for other people. If you choose to record the show to watch later you cannot expect all discussion of that show to be put on hold at your convenience. The only exception is for sporting events or other shows which air live.
Those who still tape shows with analogue recording devices came to this realization about 20 years ago. Currently, DVR saturation is only at 27% in the United States. I would need it to cross into the 60%-70% area before I could accept the type of spoiler alert demands that are currently being requested. If Entertainment Weekly or TV Guide or another one of our television ethics gatekeepers wants to establish a statute of limitations of, say, 3 days before we are allowed to talk about things that have already happened, then I will live with it. Until then, however, I maintain the embargo ends when the credits roll.
In addition, NPR is primarily a news outfit. They report the news. And even though it’s fluffy as shit, Kal Penn moving in to the Old Executive Office Building qualifies as news. Who cares if we have to find out that his character had to kill himself to make that happen. It’s a goddamned TV show.
Bottom line, I have no sympathy for those who get upset when their shows are ruined by public discussion after the show is over.
In fact, those people can go fuck themselves.
(EDIT FROM THE G: WAIT KAL PENN OFFS HIMSELF?????!?!???!?!??!! I hate you so hard.)
bob dylan didn't have this to sing about
next on my reading list. excerpts on Jane dark's sugar high
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
great things, not-so great-things
Friday, April 03, 2009
The Exorcist Stairs ruined it for everyone
If you’re a movie maker filming in DC and want a seedy looking backdrop but don’t want to make you studio-insured actors travel to a part of the city with a NE, SW or SE in its address, you could do worse than sending them to where K Street dead ends under the Whitehurst freeway. It’s dingy, there’s graffiti about and the road kind of peters out under Key Bridge and turns into the Capital Crescent Trail. If you throw some crate palates around and maybe a shopping cart or two you’ve got yourself a hobo’s paradise right there in lowest Georgetown.
I know that No Way Out was filmed there. As was an episode of Scarecrow and Mrs King, for all you old-timers. Several others, too, which I’ll have to look up. True Lies, maybe? The filming equipment for the stupid boat explosion was staged there since it’s also the parking lot for the Potomac Boat Club. It’s practically the Vasquez Rock formation of the East Coast.
And then there’s the trailer for State of Play. It looks like the whole movie was shot there.
Murder! Intrigue! Parking Garage! Looks like that poor girl got killed in a pretty scary part of DC. Except it’s ten feet from a rowing club that has a 3 year waiting list and requires a $50 deposit to apply. Also, you’re in Georgetown, during the day and Booeymongers is catering. (To save money, the movie makers even flipped the shot for the night scenes so you can’t tell there are million dollar townhouses just off frame.)
Clearly the message to visitors is don’t come to Washington unless you want to get executed is some alley-looking place. You know, we were once the murder capital of the world until we outsourced our killings to Baltimore and Richmond. All we need to reclaim the top spot is more dead tourists. Like you.
But this post isn’t about DC movie set locations.
The post is about this.
That’s obviously Reindeer Games on the right. But th eguy on the left is none other than the former voice of the Washington Redskins Frank Herzog. IMDB says he played a judge in one of those teen dancing movies and “Frank” in National Treasure 2: Watch Us Ruin Dan Brown’s Newest Book. It looks like he’s developing a nice little film career in the days since he was unjustly kicked out of the radio booth. For all those casting directors out there, Frank is especially effective as “generic person of authority.” Or in this case, “Larry Craig.”
Just saying. Dude looks like Larry Craig.
I know that No Way Out was filmed there. As was an episode of Scarecrow and Mrs King, for all you old-timers. Several others, too, which I’ll have to look up. True Lies, maybe? The filming equipment for the stupid boat explosion was staged there since it’s also the parking lot for the Potomac Boat Club. It’s practically the Vasquez Rock formation of the East Coast.
And then there’s the trailer for State of Play. It looks like the whole movie was shot there.
Murder! Intrigue! Parking Garage! Looks like that poor girl got killed in a pretty scary part of DC. Except it’s ten feet from a rowing club that has a 3 year waiting list and requires a $50 deposit to apply. Also, you’re in Georgetown, during the day and Booeymongers is catering. (To save money, the movie makers even flipped the shot for the night scenes so you can’t tell there are million dollar townhouses just off frame.)
Clearly the message to visitors is don’t come to Washington unless you want to get executed is some alley-looking place. You know, we were once the murder capital of the world until we outsourced our killings to Baltimore and Richmond. All we need to reclaim the top spot is more dead tourists. Like you.
But this post isn’t about DC movie set locations.
The post is about this.
That’s obviously Reindeer Games on the right. But th eguy on the left is none other than the former voice of the Washington Redskins Frank Herzog. IMDB says he played a judge in one of those teen dancing movies and “Frank” in National Treasure 2: Watch Us Ruin Dan Brown’s Newest Book. It looks like he’s developing a nice little film career in the days since he was unjustly kicked out of the radio booth. For all those casting directors out there, Frank is especially effective as “generic person of authority.” Or in this case, “Larry Craig.”
Just saying. Dude looks like Larry Craig.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
guh
I looked into fitness/nutrition plans online. (I refuse to say "diet" because even if that's what I need probably, dieting is stupid and i hate math and all diets seem to revolve around "numbers" and "counting" and beauty ideals and fuck that. All I really want is some sort of robot to email me a daily reminder that I reconsider mindlessly eating an entire bag of M&Ms for lunch, and continuing to act like I have been lately may result in a one-way ticket to Scurvyville.)
Anyhoodles, fitness plans and crap out there on the www? They all want you to have goals. My goal isn't to lose 10 pounds or gain muscle tone, it's to not get diabetes. Goal: I'd like to keep both my feet.
Related: does anyone have a good workout DVD they can recommend? I do actually own 2 workout tapes (yes, tapes. Eric Nies the Grind Workout and Fabio's Workout) so I am obviously very serious about this sort of thing.
I want something that isn't too long (can be done in the evening in 30 minutes or less) and doesn't involved jumping (this is more practical than me just being lazy and white and earth bound - TV is in a basement with relatively low ceilings) and isn't some of my husbands more questionable Billy Banks taibo army bootcamp boxing whatevers. Additionally I have a bum neck, so if I can avoid becoming paralyzed I'd appreciate it. Also, no techno. And if CatAn tries to tell me lies about how in two weeks I can be doing headstands through the magic of yoga, well.... I don't even know. She obviously has never seen me attempt to be coordinated.
Thoughts? HELP ME SAVE MY FEET.
Anyhoodles, fitness plans and crap out there on the www? They all want you to have goals. My goal isn't to lose 10 pounds or gain muscle tone, it's to not get diabetes. Goal: I'd like to keep both my feet.
Related: does anyone have a good workout DVD they can recommend? I do actually own 2 workout tapes (yes, tapes. Eric Nies the Grind Workout and Fabio's Workout) so I am obviously very serious about this sort of thing.
I want something that isn't too long (can be done in the evening in 30 minutes or less) and doesn't involved jumping (this is more practical than me just being lazy and white and earth bound - TV is in a basement with relatively low ceilings) and isn't some of my husbands more questionable Billy Banks taibo army bootcamp boxing whatevers. Additionally I have a bum neck, so if I can avoid becoming paralyzed I'd appreciate it. Also, no techno. And if CatAn tries to tell me lies about how in two weeks I can be doing headstands through the magic of yoga, well.... I don't even know. She obviously has never seen me attempt to be coordinated.
Thoughts? HELP ME SAVE MY FEET.
Monday, March 30, 2009
The leporine Pinocchio
The story of the Velveteen Rabbit: do you know it? Without looking it up, here is my 20 year old recollection.
Some rich Victorian boy has a bunch of fancy toys but the one he loves most is his boring, old, stuffed velveteen rabbit. But then he gets sick with the scarlet fever and all his toys are taken away because of germs. When he gets better and wants his pouncey rabbit back the doctor says no because the only way not to get the fever again is by burning all your old stuff. However, before the toy can go into the fire pit, somehow magic makes it come alive. It runs off into the woods and marries Hobbes in an arboreal, make-believe civil union. The boy still loves the rabbit but his parents won’t let him see it because of its lifestyle choice. As the boy grows up, he gradually forgets about the rabbit until one day he’s walking in the woods with his son and the Giving Tree falls on them both and kills them. Teh end.
The above may be several childhood stories running together. None the less, it’s like our house this weekend. Except replace rabbit with every toy, replace fire pit with washing maching/bleach and replace scarlet fever with 30 fluid gallons of eye and nose mucus.
Some rich Victorian boy has a bunch of fancy toys but the one he loves most is his boring, old, stuffed velveteen rabbit. But then he gets sick with the scarlet fever and all his toys are taken away because of germs. When he gets better and wants his pouncey rabbit back the doctor says no because the only way not to get the fever again is by burning all your old stuff. However, before the toy can go into the fire pit, somehow magic makes it come alive. It runs off into the woods and marries Hobbes in an arboreal, make-believe civil union. The boy still loves the rabbit but his parents won’t let him see it because of its lifestyle choice. As the boy grows up, he gradually forgets about the rabbit until one day he’s walking in the woods with his son and the Giving Tree falls on them both and kills them. Teh end.
The above may be several childhood stories running together. None the less, it’s like our house this weekend. Except replace rabbit with every toy, replace fire pit with washing maching/bleach and replace scarlet fever with 30 fluid gallons of eye and nose mucus.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Did I mention I rowed in high school and we discussed this exact scenario at great length?
While it makes great TV, the assassination that seems to be taking place in the Potomac explosion video seems unnecessarily complicated. First of all, those shells only weight about 55 pounds and there are few places to hide explosives. Possibly under the seat’s slide but it’d still be noticeable when the rower lifted the shell over his head or into the water. Some sculls have small ports in the bow and stern but unless the charge was incredibly light one could tell that the boat was off-balance fairly quickly.
Secondly, the security at the Potomac Boat Club is pretty good. The one street entrance has a combination locked door and the windows have metal grates. There are always people hanging around during the day and some no-goodnik messing with someone else’s boat would raise alarms. Rowers are a naturally suspicious people, the result of being mocked by football players in high school. There are a few public boats at the PBC you could booby trap without drawing notice but there is no guarantee you target would take them out on the water.
It makes more sense for a sniper to take the rower out from the shore. There is plenty of cover on both the DC and Virginia banks and there are lots of ways in and out. The assassin could even wait for one of the planes on approach to Reagan if they wanted to hide the rifle’s report. But if they wanted to keep the killing dramatic, it would be more effective to row by in another boat and throw a stick dynamite than to hide a bomb in the boat. I assume that’s what the female rower is doing in the video. Also, underwater mines would work too.
Or, since most rowers are also urban bike riders and this is happening in Washington, an assassin could just run the target over with a car. I don’t think that’s illegal in DC.
Which reminds me – you know how the taxi’s in DC say Washington Cab Ass’n or something like that on the door? Wouldn’t it be awesome if Ass’n stood for assassins and not association? That would make some great television watching. Not some crappy boat blowing up some stuck up rowing nerd from Georgetown working at a K Street law firm for jerks.
Update: per Tom's suggestion...
Torpedoes were considered. However, that stretch of the river would extraordinarily difficult to navigate by submarine. When the city built river walls decades ago, it greatly disrupted the natural depositing on sand and silt along the banks and during times of little rainfall, you can see how shallow the river is on the Virginia side. Additionally, while the Three Sisters formation is the most obvious rock hazard, the District side is dotted with large, underwater stones.
An air delivered torpedo would also be difficult to pull off. Even if the pilot was able to avoid detection due to the FAA’s Prohibited Area no-fly-zone around the Potomac, they’d have to thread the needle under Key Bridge to deliver the torpedo.
Secondly, the security at the Potomac Boat Club is pretty good. The one street entrance has a combination locked door and the windows have metal grates. There are always people hanging around during the day and some no-goodnik messing with someone else’s boat would raise alarms. Rowers are a naturally suspicious people, the result of being mocked by football players in high school. There are a few public boats at the PBC you could booby trap without drawing notice but there is no guarantee you target would take them out on the water.
It makes more sense for a sniper to take the rower out from the shore. There is plenty of cover on both the DC and Virginia banks and there are lots of ways in and out. The assassin could even wait for one of the planes on approach to Reagan if they wanted to hide the rifle’s report. But if they wanted to keep the killing dramatic, it would be more effective to row by in another boat and throw a stick dynamite than to hide a bomb in the boat. I assume that’s what the female rower is doing in the video. Also, underwater mines would work too.
Or, since most rowers are also urban bike riders and this is happening in Washington, an assassin could just run the target over with a car. I don’t think that’s illegal in DC.
Which reminds me – you know how the taxi’s in DC say Washington Cab Ass’n or something like that on the door? Wouldn’t it be awesome if Ass’n stood for assassins and not association? That would make some great television watching. Not some crappy boat blowing up some stuck up rowing nerd from Georgetown working at a K Street law firm for jerks.
Update: per Tom's suggestion...
Torpedoes were considered. However, that stretch of the river would extraordinarily difficult to navigate by submarine. When the city built river walls decades ago, it greatly disrupted the natural depositing on sand and silt along the banks and during times of little rainfall, you can see how shallow the river is on the Virginia side. Additionally, while the Three Sisters formation is the most obvious rock hazard, the District side is dotted with large, underwater stones.
An air delivered torpedo would also be difficult to pull off. Even if the pilot was able to avoid detection due to the FAA’s Prohibited Area no-fly-zone around the Potomac, they’d have to thread the needle under Key Bridge to deliver the torpedo.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
ugh
things that I am cranky about today:
- salad bars. I want to like them but hey guess what, they are gross. I just had to walk out of a potential lunch place after some ladydemon with shirley jones hair ravaged her lungspew all over the green peppers I was about to consider consuming. Also gross is the concept of a "sneezeguard," because it doesn't work and someone has to clean that too. This complaint comes to you from someone who regularly finds herself wrist-up in another human being's feces, so take me seriously.
- i can't decide if i dislike st patricks day more, or the people who walk around saying "MAN I HATE ST PATRICKS DAY." I have decided I am so neutral on this hotbed issue I might as well bore myself to sleep right here at my desk.
- people who never use capitalization. just kidding.
- it took me til noon to realize i was dressed like someone's portly 65 year old mother.
- salad bars. I want to like them but hey guess what, they are gross. I just had to walk out of a potential lunch place after some ladydemon with shirley jones hair ravaged her lungspew all over the green peppers I was about to consider consuming. Also gross is the concept of a "sneezeguard," because it doesn't work and someone has to clean that too. This complaint comes to you from someone who regularly finds herself wrist-up in another human being's feces, so take me seriously.
- i can't decide if i dislike st patricks day more, or the people who walk around saying "MAN I HATE ST PATRICKS DAY." I have decided I am so neutral on this hotbed issue I might as well bore myself to sleep right here at my desk.
- people who never use capitalization. just kidding.
- it took me til noon to realize i was dressed like someone's portly 65 year old mother.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Handcuffed
The N: …all the way to the end zone for a touchdown.
The G: How long did it take for the ambulance to get there?
N: For what?
G: The guy’s ankles. You said he got his ankles broke.
N:
G: Was he okay?
N: It’s a figure of speech. It means he got juked.
G: Oh. Because you seemed pretty cavalier about a guy breaking his ankles.
It seems half of this nation’s population has never heard of this. Ladies, it means he got faked out so bad that his ankles couldn’t handle the sudden change of direction.
The G: How long did it take for the ambulance to get there?
N: For what?
G: The guy’s ankles. You said he got his ankles broke.
N:
G: Was he okay?
N: It’s a figure of speech. It means he got juked.
G: Oh. Because you seemed pretty cavalier about a guy breaking his ankles.
It seems half of this nation’s population has never heard of this. Ladies, it means he got faked out so bad that his ankles couldn’t handle the sudden change of direction.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
She got spirit. Yes she do.
Spirit Week in high school makes sense. Over five days, a loathing for those punks at Blank High School and their non-popped collars is officially cultivated by the teachers and administration and nerds on the student government. Dude, we’re going to pwn those nameless jerks on the football field on Friday. They’re going to pay for being exactly like us except not living in our district. And if that doesn’t work, the parade float we unveil at halftime will certainly take them down a peg. Then we’re going to drink peppermint Schnapps out of travel size Scope bottle and dry hump our girlfriends after the homecoming dance. The rug burns will be our red, bumpy badges of hatred. That’s how we do it at Our High School!!! RRRAAAHH! HEAD BUTT!!!
But Spirit Week in middle school makes no sense. The kids at the rival school are people we already know from elementary school and will see again in high school. And soccer is the closest thing you’ll get to a homecoming game and it’s at 3 in the afternoon. The guys’ team probably stinks anyway and the players in the county are a little intimidating because they already have wispy mustaches and are Hispanic.
Or so it was at my middle school. To compensate for our pathetic sports teams the school planned a week’s worth spirit-lifting activities. They were generally things that would get you in trouble during the rest of the year but harmless enough to not allow distraction. For example –
SALAD DRESSING WEEK!!!?!
Monday - Thousand Island (Caribbean/Hawaiian)
Tuesday- Ranch (Cowboy)
Wednesday - Blue Cheese (Blue)
Thursday - French (Berets and/or fashionable clothes)
Friday - House Dressing (School Colors which included blue again)
Ha! Salad dressing. So fun and creamy!
This wasn’t actually what my middle school did, but I can’t recall all of them. The only day I can remember was Opposite Day. And I remember Opposite Day because Opposite Day became a MAJOR INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT.
The design was simple - boys dress up like girls and girls like boys. Get it? The opposite of how we would normally dress. Genius. Class starts, girls roll up wearing football jerseys and baseball caps. Boys come in pink shirts and head bands. We had so much spirit.
But someone had an uptight parent. And that parent employed their God-given American right to ruin it for everyone by calling a local radio show and declare that their child’s school was encouraging cross-dressing. It quickly got absurd with a bullet. By the end of the show, our fair academy was a den of perverts and transsexuals. News crews and reporters showed up during recess to get pictures of the 7th Grade Degenerates.*
Teachers suddenly ushered us inside. All gender-specific clothing had to be removed even if that meant sitting in our stinking gym uniforms for the rest of our classes. At the end of the day, parents hustled kids to their cars, with their jackets pulled over their heads like a common jailhouse perp-walk. It was a disaster. The rest of Spirit Week was canceled. I’m unsure if they ever hosted it again.
But that was at my middle school. It seems Spirit Week is still alive in well at some schools.
At least I hope so. It’d be a shame if she dresses like this every day. Or awesome.
*I bet you think that I’m going to say that this is a good band name. Wrong. It’s a crappy band name. I left an asterisk because a few years later, the Post ran article about kids at my old middle school were exchanging favors for blowjobs.
But Spirit Week in middle school makes no sense. The kids at the rival school are people we already know from elementary school and will see again in high school. And soccer is the closest thing you’ll get to a homecoming game and it’s at 3 in the afternoon. The guys’ team probably stinks anyway and the players in the county are a little intimidating because they already have wispy mustaches and are Hispanic.
Or so it was at my middle school. To compensate for our pathetic sports teams the school planned a week’s worth spirit-lifting activities. They were generally things that would get you in trouble during the rest of the year but harmless enough to not allow distraction. For example –
SALAD DRESSING WEEK!!!?!
Monday - Thousand Island (Caribbean/Hawaiian)
Tuesday- Ranch (Cowboy)
Wednesday - Blue Cheese (Blue)
Thursday - French (Berets and/or fashionable clothes)
Friday - House Dressing (School Colors which included blue again)
Ha! Salad dressing. So fun and creamy!
This wasn’t actually what my middle school did, but I can’t recall all of them. The only day I can remember was Opposite Day. And I remember Opposite Day because Opposite Day became a MAJOR INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT.
The design was simple - boys dress up like girls and girls like boys. Get it? The opposite of how we would normally dress. Genius. Class starts, girls roll up wearing football jerseys and baseball caps. Boys come in pink shirts and head bands. We had so much spirit.
But someone had an uptight parent. And that parent employed their God-given American right to ruin it for everyone by calling a local radio show and declare that their child’s school was encouraging cross-dressing. It quickly got absurd with a bullet. By the end of the show, our fair academy was a den of perverts and transsexuals. News crews and reporters showed up during recess to get pictures of the 7th Grade Degenerates.*
Teachers suddenly ushered us inside. All gender-specific clothing had to be removed even if that meant sitting in our stinking gym uniforms for the rest of our classes. At the end of the day, parents hustled kids to their cars, with their jackets pulled over their heads like a common jailhouse perp-walk. It was a disaster. The rest of Spirit Week was canceled. I’m unsure if they ever hosted it again.
But that was at my middle school. It seems Spirit Week is still alive in well at some schools.
At least I hope so. It’d be a shame if she dresses like this every day. Or awesome.
*I bet you think that I’m going to say that this is a good band name. Wrong. It’s a crappy band name. I left an asterisk because a few years later, the Post ran article about kids at my old middle school were exchanging favors for blowjobs.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Bah to the bah
Tommy’s a bit off base here. Had he joined his friends at the theater, he would have know that the 3 Doors Down “Citizen Soldier” pre-trailer commercial has been abandoned by the National Guard. I imagine that a few months into the campaign some polling determined it to be ineffective and the whole thing was jettisoned.
Their findings…
But I don’t want to sound critical of the new promotion. America needed a new promotion. The old one was so incredibly flawed that any self-respected theatre owner should have refused to play it. It attempted to link today’s National Guard with some of our military’s more successful and non-controversial campaigns. Hey high school kids? You know that kick-ass scene at the beginning Saving Private Ryan you watched on TNT this weekend? Dudes were all National Guard. And remember when a ragtag group of Americans beat the Confederate Red Coats during Revolutionary War in the mountains of California by running through the woods dodging mines and exploding cannon fire? Yeah baby, all National Guard.
Creative licenses are taken with 90% of the posts on this blog. But it’s always irked me that these stupid commercials show Revolutionary War soldiers dodging exploding cannonballs. Cannonballs don’t explode when they hit the ground. In fact, cannonballs don’t explode when they hit anything. They are solid metal balls. Shells, on the other hand, are hollow metal casing filled with an explosive powder that detonate when their fuses expire. But they weren’t used against the US until the War of 1812 and the still don’t explode on impact. And they weren’t fired form cannons.
So as convoluted as the new National Guard commercial is, at least it no longer contains wild historical inaccuracies. And this will no doubt be the only time the American education system will benefit from more Kid Rock.
Their findings…
- The word “soldier” does not portray a strong enough image
- 3 Doors Down is too alternative.
- Where the fuck is NASCAR?
But I don’t want to sound critical of the new promotion. America needed a new promotion. The old one was so incredibly flawed that any self-respected theatre owner should have refused to play it. It attempted to link today’s National Guard with some of our military’s more successful and non-controversial campaigns. Hey high school kids? You know that kick-ass scene at the beginning Saving Private Ryan you watched on TNT this weekend? Dudes were all National Guard. And remember when a ragtag group of Americans beat the Confederate Red Coats during Revolutionary War in the mountains of California by running through the woods dodging mines and exploding cannon fire? Yeah baby, all National Guard.
Creative licenses are taken with 90% of the posts on this blog. But it’s always irked me that these stupid commercials show Revolutionary War soldiers dodging exploding cannonballs. Cannonballs don’t explode when they hit the ground. In fact, cannonballs don’t explode when they hit anything. They are solid metal balls. Shells, on the other hand, are hollow metal casing filled with an explosive powder that detonate when their fuses expire. But they weren’t used against the US until the War of 1812 and the still don’t explode on impact. And they weren’t fired form cannons.
So as convoluted as the new National Guard commercial is, at least it no longer contains wild historical inaccuracies. And this will no doubt be the only time the American education system will benefit from more Kid Rock.
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