1000% Wrestling Onion Love

I NEED A HOBBY

So I’ve been looking for a hobby. Anyone who suggests "knitting is relaxing!" is first to walk the plank. I think I’ve found it though, thanks to the fey and annoying British dude on the Travel Channel last night: LUCHA LIBRE.

Now, I’ve made plenty of Lucha Libre, and more specifically Rey Mysterioso, comments/bad jokes in my lifetime. But listen: I’ve found someone really worth following. The name is Shocker, and he has a tiny yellow-and-blue monkey as a sidekick. Not only that, but his slogan is "1000% Guapo!" ("1000% Handsome!") Needless to say, everything in our house was 1000% last night. It was 1000% hot in the master bedroom, the bathroom was 1000% dirty and I should consider cleaning it this week, the red onions we grilled for dinner* were 1000% delish. You catch my drift.

All of this is me, working up to say: fuck the dog, (screw the pooch?) I want a tiny blue monkey sidekick. If someone could get working on that, much appreciated. My hobby would be: taking care of my tiny blue monkey sidekick.

* Good news! We went to the grocery store last night. Raise ye banners of celebration to the heavens, peoples. We then pulled a Food Network and grilled up some red onions, instead of usual dinners of granola bars. Oh man, were they good. Red onions on the grill, and then soak em’ with a mixture of balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard, tarragon, salt, and pepper; and a very small squeeze of a ¼ lemon. Put that mess on a turkey burger on a whole wheat bun and holy gastrointestinal delight.

PLOT DEVICE: AIRPORT CONFESSION OF LOVE

"Friends" did it twice. "Love, Actually" did it several times in one film. There was something in "Almost Famous," maybe not an ACOL but something misty. "Garden State." Apparently, "Felicity" and "Dawsons Creek" are guilty. Any other examples you can think of? This is why my friend TR and I are so obsessed with airports: television has made our romantic ideals all wanky, just like our body images and stuff!

This is also why TR got his masters in Airport Management: for love.

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT, WHOOOOAAAAAA OHHHHHHH

I mentioned in passing last night that maybe I shouldn’t eat so many carbs. was gonna stop eating carbs. This was said shortly before the Nabob decided that this summer, he would assist in me achieving a single goal: that goal is to do one pullup. I’ve never done a single goddamn pullup in my life, since my arms consist mostly of a jello-like substance. Anyways, so I’m heading home after work, hang off a metal bar in our laundry room for a few minutes, (the Flex Hang! The dread of all middle school girls everywhere who weren’t gymnasts!) and then head out to Tot Night at BP. Starring: me, with handfuls of tots and a Raven. I know – tots are pretty much fried carbs. Whatevs, it's tots, people. Get excited.

BIKE MESSENGERS AND BEER

Read The Morning News today? Bega's mentioned.

QUESTION

How badly do you think I piss off coworkers by eating tuna salad every day? It's not like it smells that bad, I just know some people are sensitive to it.